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When Jesus Met George Carey

Posted by James O'Brien on February 20, 2012 at 14:08PM

I can't remember precisely when the Second Coming is currently expected but let us imagine it happened yesterday.

Lord Carey, former Archbishop of Canterbury, has demanded an early meeting with the Messiah on the grounds that he is among the prominent and important Christians in the world.

Jesus, because he is understandably big on tolerance and kindness, agrees despite not being entirely sure who George Carey is.

JC: You'll have to forgive me, my son, I see you describe yourself as a Christian leader but I'm not familiar with your department.

GC: I'm the former head of the Church of England. Well, the former head cleric anyway. The Queen is the actual head.

JC: And it's Christian is it, this Church of England?

GC: It certainly is sire.

JC; Then surely I'm the head of it?

GC: Of course, Jesus, I meant the head of it on earth. After the Queen.

JC: I see. I left Peter in charge of things. He tells me that his spiritual successor is the Pope. How come you're not part of his crew?

GC: The Reformation, your Holiness, when the King of England decided to cut ties with Rome and set up his own church.

JC: Why on earth did he do that?

GC: (inaudible)

JC: I'm sorry. Could you speak up?

GC: Because Henry the Eighth wanted to marry his mistress and the Pope wouldn't let him divorce his first wife. Rather than give up the mistress he decided to give up the nation's Catholicism.

JC: I see. The mistress must have been quite a woman. Was the marriage long and fruitful.

GC; Not exactly.

JC: Oh?

GC: He had her beheaded for alleged adultery and married another four women before dying.

JC: Beheaded for adultery? Had he not read the New Testament? Has he not heard of Mary Magdalen. And how come he was allowed to commit adultery but his wife wasn't?

GC: (Pause) Well, because he was the Head of the Church, I suppose.

JC: The Church you're here to represent?

GC: Yes.

JC: (Hesitantly) OKaaay. So what's top of your agenda these days? There's a lot of decidedly unChristian stuff going down in this country, George, where are you putting your enrgies?

GC: Gays.

JC: What?

GC: Gays who want to get married.

JC: Really?

GC: Yes. And people who aren't allowed to wear crucifixes at work.

JC: What's a crucifix?

GC: It's a depiction of your suffering on the Cross, Lord.

JC: (With apologies to Bill Hicks RIP)Jesus. Sorry. Why would anyone want to wear one of them? It was horrible. I should know, I was there. Talk about painful. Anyway, don't answer that. Tell me why they're not allowed to wear them at work.

GC: (Inaudible)

JC: Speak up, George.

GC: Their employers have bans on jewellery in the workplace.

JC: All jewellery?

GC: I believe so, yes.

JC: So you're fighting for their right to disobey the rules that everybody else has to follow. Because they really want to wear a trinket showing me suffering the most painful of deaths while they are at work?

GC: Yes.

JC: Maybe we should get back to the gays. I'm never going to get my head round this one. To recap: you used to be second-in-command in a Church that was set up so an adulterous monarch copuld get rid of wives will-nilly and marry the next one without any fear of religious or civil law? And you think one of the most urgent and important issues facing my followers today comes from homosexual men and women who want to get married? And, it says here, you've set up an organisation to make sure it never happens.

GC: Yes.

JC: Why? Not why are you doing it, although Dad knows why you'd want to, but why is this at the top of your to do list? Poverty, pestilence, war, famine, drought, disease - Satan's busy, George, and you seem to be spending more time and energy on this than anything else. Why?

GC: Erm.

The End