May jokes about interrupting couple having sex during joke-filled speech

1 March 2018, 10:05

Theresa May recounted a sex anecdote, targeted her own Cabinet ministers and even made light of herself as she entertained journalists at the Westminster Correspondents' Dinner.

Speaking on Wednesday night, the Prime Minister suggested she had considered calling another snap election in order to escape the event for a second year running, before presenting a self-effacing look at her turbulent last 12 months.

On advice from her predecessor David Cameron, Mrs May quipped: "The weather has been rather bad in West Oxfordshire and sadly David couldn't make it because he is snowed into his wheely shed.

"But, I was able to catch up with David over the phone and, as ever, he had some excellent advice. 'Don't worry about Boris, don't worry about the Chancellor; worry about ambitious female home secretaries'. Lovely to see you here tonight Amber."

On trying to dodge the dinner, she joked: "Last year, I was looking forward to this event so much that I called a General Election to get out of it. I can't pull that stunt two years in a row. Or can I?

"I am after all going walking in Wales at Easter.

"But no, of course not, I wouldn't miss this for the world. Because, after all, what says 'Theresa May' more than a comic speech at a boozy dinner in a room full of journalists.

"I feel absolutely right at home."

Recalling one canvassing encounter, she said: "I remember, in my time as a politician, one canvassing trip particularly sticks in my memory.

"I was at the open door of a caravan and there was clearly some activity within, so I knocked and there was no answer.

"But, the activity persisted. It looked like there was someone lying down. So I knocked again, again there was no reply and I put my head around the door and there was indeed someone lying down.

"It was not one person but two, and it was not the best time to ask them if they were going to vote Conservative.

"I have to say they were giving a whole new meaning to the phrase 'deep and special partnership'."

On the digital prowess of Culture Secretary Matt Hancock, she said: "So enthusiastic is Matt for the UK's digital future that I think he's transcended into a higher state of existence.

"He's thrown off the surly bonds of flesh and blood - Matt Hancock actually is now an app.

"He only talks to me by way of alarming phone notifications. 'Matt Hancock would like to track your location'. 'Matt Hancock would like to access your photos'. And, perhaps most worrying of all, 'there is a fault with Matt Hancock'.

"But, other ministers are following his lead. The Boris Johnson app is great for extending your vocabulary, but it does contain some adult content.

"The Philip Hammond app is like a drier, less frivolous version of LinkedIn.

"Tonight, I can reveal I am even working on my own app.

"It does provide GPS directions to your nearest wheat field, real-time tracking of Priti Patel's air travel, and the instant allocation of all household chores into girl jobs and boy jobs."

And, on the two Jeremys, she told journalists: "Last year, cinema goers were wowed by a brilliant film from the makers of The Thick of It and Veep, called The Death of Stalin.

"It told the story of an ageing socialist demagogue, who maintains his power through a sinister personality cult whilst rewriting history and crushing all internal dissent. I know we're all very sorry Jeremy Corbyn can't be here tonight.

"Jeremy declared he'd be PM by Christmas and, if that day ever comes, there will be a few changes around here. I'd be breaking rocks in John McDonnell's re-education camp on the Isle of Man, along with Chuka Umunna, Liz Kendall and other undesirables.

"And you'd all be adjusting to a new reality too, catching up with the latest government initiative trailed exclusively to Skwawkbox, doing your best to keep on the right side of Press Commissar Milne; if you don't know him he's like a posh Alistair Campbell without the warm and cuddly side.

"But, of course, whatever else, Jeremy Hunt would still be Health Secretary."