So, you’ve decided to throw a house party for David Milliband? You should organise the event in advance. That hardly needs saying but then most of the advice that follows hardly needs saying either but that hasn’t stopped the Labour leadership contender from posting it on his website anyway. First, you should choose a location, somewhere nearby that you know well and that you have access to. Your own home would be a good place to start but you should ask permission from yourself and be sure that you are going to be in. Then consider who is coming. In the likely event that you can not find anyone to attend a David Milliband House Party, you should make up some story about topless waitpersons and a fully equipped dungeon. Next - refreshments, you’ll be needing some of those. A packet of Pro Plus and some tequila slammers says “party” to most people and they would certainly take the edge off, so they are right out. This is more a cup of tea and a custard cream affair.
Before your guests arrive, you should have quick tidy up to ensure that nothing distracts from the conversation. You should remove all books, magazines, catalogues, dictionaries and telephone directories, anything that people may pick up and leaf through to take their minds off the topic at hand: David Milliband. To maintain concentration, your guests are going to need all the help they can get. The Labour Party membership forms should be laid out and you should cue up the David Milliband House Party welcome message which can be found on www.gurningbanana.com and then wait expectantly for the first arrivals. And then wait some more. And some more.
Feel free to start looking around for people you didn’t invite. Perhaps your neighbours aren’t busy? Maybe the man who just passed on his way to the shops would be tempted by a Cheesy Wotsit (which come to think of it is not a bad description of the man of the hour)? Once in get them to give you their coats. It will make them more comfortable and less likely to leave as their house keys are in them. Ask them to tell you why they think that David Milliband is the right choice to reinvigorate the Labour Party. Don’t be disheartened if they can’t think of anything. For the party to really go with a swing, Gordon Brown is available to speak at any function for £10,000. If you want him to stop speaking, that will be £20,000. For £30,000 he won’t show up at all.
The Labour Party - putting the labour into party.