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Nick Ferrari's Listeners Budget: In Full

Tuesday 20th March 2012

As Chancellor George Osborne gets ready to present his budget, Nick Ferrari unveiled the LBC 97.3 Listeners Budget.

nick ferrari budget

Three hours before the Chancellor stands up in Parliament, the Right Honourable Mr Ferrari unveiled the policies that he believes will reinvigorate the economy and give more money to people that deserve it.

Nick Ferrari's LBC 97.3 Listeners Budget In Full

 

nick commons notepaper

 

Mr Speaker, Listeners, thank you very much indeed.

This is a budget that will deal decisively with our countries record debt and slowly for sustained growth. But it will encourage entrepreneurship  and it will punish the lazy and feckless. It will pay for the past; it will plan for the future, and it will continue to protect the moist vunerable in our society. If you work for us, this government will work for you. Yes it is tough, but it is also fair. Just.

So to the budget in detailÖ

The Welfare Budget
Listeners, currently this country spends £110 billion on welfare. I propose for this to be slashed. Iím allowing that £66 billion of that is still required. Iím taking just about a third out Ė thatís £44 billion pounds. So my listeners such as Michael Lister, who was concerned that he would lose his benefits, Mr. Lister, you will be safe with me. However, child benefit will be stopped Ė why are we paying you to have children? Unemployment benefits will be available for just the first three months. After that only, available on interview if youíre successful. No benefits will be paid to anyone unless you can prove youíve have 12 months residency in this country; and this applies to you, not a relative. The housing system where families of eight get a house in Kensington next to Roman Abramovich, will be scrapped. And a 15% increase to pensioners - unless theyíve been a member of a Labour government such as Margaret Becket Ė this will be funded by those savings of some £44 billion.

To the Health Budget
Listeners, we currently spend £125 billion. Iím allowing that 50p in every pound needed for medicine, nurses, clinicians and others. Iím thus interested in the £62.5 billion each year that is spent on managers, on their pension schemes and on other incentives. The managers must work harder - but only a third harder. Therefore, of that £62.5 billion, if each manager works a third harder, Iíve saved £20 billion. All translation services on the NHS will be stopped (my thanks for Malcolm for that). They will be available but you will have to pay. Nurses as of midnight will get a pay rise of 10% and a box of chocolates on their birthday. Anyone who is fat or smokes will get their first treatment free on the NHS. After that, if they donít amend their behaviour regarding smoking, eating or indeed drinking, they will pay on a sliding scale. So eventually by the time they take their lard arse through casualty for the 10th time, they will be paying all their bills. 

To the Town Halls
No chief executive, or leader of a Quango or water authority or gas board, will be permitted to earn more than the Prime Minister. Salaries for running Sussex County Council of £250, 000 are simply ludicrous, and the savings here will be about £1billion.

To Parliament
The subsidised bar will be scrapped (my thanks to Judy from Belsize Park for this). A cost is difficult to know, but certainly the Labour MP for Falkirk will save a lot of money out of his personal allowances.

To Defence
Where the budget is £43.5 billion. I accept that half of that is legitimate expenditure so I focus instead on £22billion, and again I say that managers will have to work harder. Thus, a third of £22billion is £7 billion, so I will be paying for a new aircraft carrier of £3billion. And obviously with the increased threat in the Falklands, this is necessary. And this aircraft carrier will be built in Britain. Indeed it will be built by the staff at the Bombardier factory in Derby, because theyíre not building trains anymore. We will then have huge transport costs to get the ship to sea, which will help with the haulage industry as well. To our soldiers, sailors, airmen, airwomen Ė instead of a pay freeze, all military personnel will get a 10% pay rise, like the nurses, and if sent to serve on the front line, that will increase to a 20% pay rise, again funded for by those savings.

To Transport
The transport budget is £12.8billion. All but essential road works will be stopped immediately. Any company putting a cone on any road will pay a pound a day, for the placing of that cone, whatever reason itís there. This will help fund a fuel cut of some 10p per litre. This will also be funded by the fact the government currently takes 82p per litre of petrol costing £1.40, we will simply reduce our take, because of those savings. Additionally to cycling. There has been an explosion, and this is of course to be applauded. It means that everyoneís getting healthy. Unfortunately it also means a lot of fat men with large backsides have been seen on the roads with lycra. They will now have to pay a £5 road fund duty, and have insurance for all cycles. This will be capped at £20. Road fund for all vehicles will be frozen, and any car made in the UK will qualify for a 50% reduction.

Lastly I turn to a few other eye-catching initiatives.

The overseas aid budget at just under £12billion will be scrapped as of midnight tonight. And will fund an apprenticeship scheme for all children aged 16 and above (or young people even) so they donít have to sit through a double Physics on a sunny Thursday afternoon, not understanding a single word thatís being said.

Parents in private school (my thanks to Jo in Croydon for this) will qualify for tax breaks, because they ease up places in state schools.

All tax will be cut to 40%.  This will be funded by an increase in taxation on foreign premiership footballers who will now be paying a rate of 70%. This will mean that Carlos Tevez for example, will now earn just £45,000 a week; we must hope this is enough to survive.

Thanks to Jo in Cuffley. The death duty will be frozen at £1.5million.

And for the period of 27th of July to 12th August, anyone wearing trainers in London (do think of those dates!) will have to pay a £10 levy.

We have paid for the debts of a failed past. Iím laying the foundations for a more prosperous future. Prosperity for all Ė that is my goal.

I commend the budget to the house."

Nick Ferrari Budget

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