Steve Allen brings you the latest from the newspapers as you wake up.
1 October 2017, 01:11
Parents in Yorkshire are fighting a school ban on sausage rolls and pork pies in lunch-boxes.
This is similar to a fight that took place in the same county eleven years ago when parents pushed bags of crisps and chips through school railings to feed their cow-sized children who were denied their favourite way to a short, wheezing life because some health Nazi at school wanted to save their lives.
Parents weren't having any of that. Jamie Oliver can take his healthy eating initiative and stuff it.
Shirley Manor Primary Academy, in Wyke, West Yorkshire is the new battle ground in the war to save stupid people from themselves.
The school imposed a pastry ban to promote healthy eating.
The policy has faced a backlash – you would be surprised if it hadn't.
Outrage ensued after the school went so far as to introduce a 'Whole School Food and Drink Policy' which they say is to ensure children eat well.
It said it and wants to work with parents to achieve this. Best of luck with that.
Parents are pulling in the opposite direction, explaining in the modern manner that, “it's my right, I can do what I want!”
The school said: 'Pork pies, sausage rolls, pepperoni sticks are high in salt and saturated fat.
'These items should not be included in a pupils packed lunch-box.
'Desserts, cakes, biscuits and crisps: these foods are high in saturated fat, sugar and salt - too much of these foods can be harmful to health. If a pupil has more than one of these items in their lunch-box they will be removed by staff and returned to the child at the end of the day.'
There is a similar policy on squash and fizzy drinks.
This is to promote the idea that inside the doughy rolls of fat that sit around the playground, there is a healthy child that wants to get out, if only their dopey parents would stop shoving fried beige food in their mouths.
And if you thought that no one would actually fight for the right to make their kids fat, you don’t know people much do you?
Parents queued up to express their fury to reporters who arrived at the scene.
They typically claimed that their child was fussy about what they eat and that they don't like that new-fangled fruit and vegetable stuff and that they don't send them to school to get healthy, they send them there so they can watch Jeremy Kyle in peace.
They whined that it is hard when they have a child that is a picky eater.
This is true. But the reason that their child is a picky eater is because their parents have caved in to their offspring's demands because they want to be considered their friend, not their guardian.
Whatever happened to “you'll sit there 'till you’ve eaten it?”
Here is the news mummy: your child does not want you as a mate – they don't even want to be your friend on Facebook.
The job of a parent is to make decisions in their best interests, which might sometimes not be what they want.
Stupid parents insist on stuffing their stupid kids with things that their grandparents wouldn’t recognise as food and the result is that families are so wide they have to wobble in single file down the pavement of the high street.
Childhood obesity is up 40% in 4 years, and 19% of children leave primary school obese.
But let’s not get carried away and insist that those of little brain should regulate their kids' food intake.
It's no biggie - just a lot of early deaths and a life time of ill health.
What's that against the taste of a cold, congealed blob of mystery meat in a soggy lard roll?