Things you would rather not hear
27 August 2017, 20:43
There are some things you just don't want to hear, like the announcement of another television show based on making cakes.
The BBC is about to make another cake baking show, with the very important twist that it is going to be a family doing the cooking.
That stroke of genius must be worth the Licence Fee all on its own.
It starts imminently and will join the 86,000 other highly original programmes on TV that centre on the oven and what comes out of it.
Another thing that you might prefer not to hear is that a weather event might deliver an alligator to your front door.
That is what the residents of a Texas town were told before Hurricane Harvey hit them this week.
The heavy flooding could force wild and dangerous animals to migrate to within close contact of humans, the local Sheriff's office announced.
You could have a ravenous prehistoric monster with a huge mouth full of teeth preventing you from leaving your house.
Unfortunately, the same storm is likely to bring out highly deadly water moccasin snakes that could take shelter in your house, which might make you want to leave in a hurry.
Also on the list of things you would rather not know is that there has been a mass delivery of anti-sarin and VX epipens to front line emergency staff in Great Britain.
Sarin is a military grade poison that attacks the body's nervous system and causes death in the manner of drowning on dry land within minutes of being exposed to it.
VX, on the other hand is similar in effect, it is just 150 times more toxic. The 'V' stands for venom.
According to an alarming report tucked away on the internet offering of the Daily Mail, a national programme is under way to provide hospitals, emergency responders and support staff with large stocks of nerve agent antidote kits, in case of an attack by the Women's Institute, or ISIS.
Naturally, the government says that there is nothing to worry about, which is reason enough to start worrying.
Security chiefs declare that swivel-eyed Islamic fundamentalists will have no compunction about using such a weapon and they are very keen to acquire some.
A couple of buckets of that stuff and a child's flying drone should be enough to please their god and quiet the voices they hear inside their heads.
It would certainly put a kink in Christmas.
VX was the weapon that did for Kim Jong-un's half-brother in the airport in Kuala Lumpur in February.
His half-brother is now completely dead.
The stuff is classed as a weapon of mass destruction by the United Nations because of its toxicity and the horrible way that it causes death.
Apparently, the gas it gives off is even more poisonous than the liquid, making it very attractive to terrorists and the leader of North Korea.
You might be wondering which pariah country could come up with such an evil product.
Which disgraced nation could be so monstrous as to invent such a hideous and evil substance?
Well, that was us, that was. It was invented in jolly old England.
And now we are preparing for it coming back home.