This week on ‘Sex in the City’, Susan joined me in the studio once again to answer your calls and questions. This week we heard from Sarah who has never managed to achieve orgasm with a partner and her current 5 year relationship is suffering as a result. Diana has had no desire whatsoever in the last 2 years, since having her son. Even on her wedding night she couldn’t bring herself to have sex with her new husband. Laura was worried about the 27 year age gap in her relationship with her younger man and we spoke to Chris who confessed that her prefers wearing women’s underwear and was fantasising about trying anal sex.
As always, if you have been affected by any of the topics covered on the show and would like further information, help or advice, you can link to my help lines page for more information – click here
Every Friday at 11:30pm Susan Quilliam offers us her ‘Sex Tip of the Week’. This week with the worrying news that more and more women are undergoing surgery to create what they perceive to be the ‘perfect vagina’, I asked Susan for information on how we can learn to love our genitals, regardless of their size, shape colour or anything else that we think might be wrong with them…
LOVE YOUR GENITALS…
Jim and I get so many calls from women (and men) who are, shall we say, not happy with their ‘bits’. He may worry that his penis is too small to satisfy a woman… she may worry that her vagina is too big to satisfy a man. (And that’s even without considering the agony people feel about their balls, their bottoms and their boobs.)
So what should you do if you’re worried about some aspect of your body, particularly your genitals? Here are my Dos and Don’ts.
DO realise that human beings have a wide variety of shapes and sizes ‘down there’. Because we don’t typically see a range of other people’s genitals, we don’t get a sense of what’s usual or normal – and the answer is ‘everything and anything’. Some men have small penises, some have large; some men’s balls are tiny, most men have one ball lower than the other. Some women have huge clitorises, others have narrow vaginas, yet others have large or protruding labia. And everyone’s genitals look a bit like plucked chicken skin! You’re not weird because you look the way you do.
DON’T think there’s a perfect shape. Yes, on page 3 and the porn videos we may see a certain shape and size – but even if they’re not Photoshopped they are also not typical, or even preferable. You have the shape you have, and when you find a partner who loves you for yourself, then they will love your shape too! (If you have a partner who gives you a hard time about your bits, then you’re going out with an uninformed bully.)
DO wonder if your unhappiness with your genitals has a psychological cause – many concerns do. If you’ve been brought up slightly nervous or inhibited about sex, this may translate into wanting to change your bits because you feel that will make you more confident. It rarely does. True sexual confidence is not about the way you look but about the way you feel – and the way you make your partner feel.
DON’T fall for the cosmetic surgery route to alter your genitals. It’s expensive, it may not give you the result you want – and much more importantly, the latest research suggests that many firms offering such surgery radically underestimate the risks involved, both short and long term. In fact, it can actually damage your genital nerves, leaving you less sensitive where it matters.
DO – if you’re a woman – take the time to look closely at your genitals. ‘He’ does this all the time when they go to the loo – but ‘she’ may never have explored. A mirror, a light and a comfortable sitting position will let her look, feel – and even taste. Trust me, once you get to know your genitals, you’ll also start to accept – and celebrate them.
And DO make the absolute best of what you have. So if your penis is short – and remember that most women prefer girth to length – find positions that will give her the stimulation you want, and learn to give amazing oral sex. If your vagina is loose then yes do your pelvic floor exercises, but also find positions that bring your legs together so gripping him more tightly. Enjoy!
Susan is back with me next Friday at 10pm.
After midnight I was joined by Australian Sex Therapist, Bettina Arndt, author of the ‘The Sex Diaries’. Her book chronicles the love lives of 100 couples over the best part of a year, having asked them to keep detailed records of when they had sex and the delicate negotiations that often go on before couples make love.
On the face of it, the picture is a simple one. Men want more sex than they get and often face rejection from their partners. The book is stacked with moving stories of real couples and ebb and flow of their relationships. What is of particular note however is Bettina’s own conclusions, some of which are arguably quite incendiary.
For example, as a woman, would you be offended to know that she suggests you should actually just get on and “do it”? As a result you stand a chance of actually enjoying better sex. Just seeing the lust in your partner’s eyes as a result of your new found willingness to satisfy his advances might actually have a hugely beneficial effect on your relationship.
Not all partnerships fit this mismatched model of desire but let’s be perfectly clear here, most couples do. Bettina goes even further and argues what value should we attach to ‘monogamy’ if one half of the partnership is unwilling to be a compliant sexual partner? If that’s no longer part of the deal and one half of the relationship switches off the supply then fidelity is an ‘unreasonable demand or expectation’. In other words, if you’re not sleeping with each other regularly and he cheats on you, you’ve only got yourself to blame!
So if you were filling in one of Bettina’s diaries, what would your last entry say? I asked you what appears to be a very simple question, ‘When did you last have sex?’ Despite its simplicity, I was hopeful that it would reveal some fascinating stories about our love lives. You didn’t disappoint…
To listen again to the show, CLICK HERE
If you would like to buy a copy of Bettina’s book, CLICK HERE
Join me back here next Friday at 10pm & have a great weekend.
Jim
x
Jim’s audio books are available to download now, entitled:
Five Steps To – Driving Her Wild in Bed
Five Steps To – Driving Him Wild in Bed
Five Steps To – Successful Dating
Also available:
Five Steps To – Getting the Job you want
Five Steps To – Successful Weight Loss
Click here to download via iTunes
Click here to download via Audible.co.uk