On this week’s show I was joined as usual by my regular sex and relationships expert Susan Quilliam. This week we talked to Dave who was struggling with the idea of monogamy and battling to stay faithful to his girlfriend. Steve told us how he discovered his girlfriend had cheated on him at the same time he had cheated on her and was wondering if they had a future – you might be surprised to hear our response & Christina told us why a painful vagina had stopped her getting a boyfriend for 5 years.
We also discussed the rather disturbing news of the creation of a ‘sex-robot’ which hit the news this week. I for one find the prospect of sex with an inhuman object not only abhorrent but actually very disturbing. Sex should be flesh on flesh, not aluminium! Nevertheless, the technology has been predicted in science fiction films like Woody Allen’s Sleepers and A.I. for decades, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before it became a reality.
Every Friday night, just after 11:30pm, Susan offers us her ‘Sex Tip of the Week’. This week I asked Susan how to make an orgasm ‘mutual’…
Of course you don’t always want to orgasm – but let’s face it, it is lovely when you do. Even better is when you both do – and even better is when you both do, both together. Here are my hints and tips…
Helping him along.
It may seem as if when it comes to orgasms, it’s simple for him- all he needs is a bit of stimulation and he’s away. Often it’s like that – but sometimes he can find things difficult and needs extra help. If so, then the worst thing she can do is to nag, blame, blame herself or sulk. On the other hand, the best thing she can do is to take the pressure off by him all the way back to cuddling, then ask him what he needs or wants - and deliver. Most men will respond to oral sex if she’s willing to do that – he can lie back and not worry about performing, lose himself in the sensation and, as if by magic, find himself climaxing.
Helping her along
New research from a Swedish neuroscientist suggests that the key to her orgasming is not so much giving her the right physical stimulation but allowing her to relax emotionally. If she feels safe and secure, she can concentrate on what she’s feeling and abandon herself to it. That said, most women do need a particular form of pressure and rhythm – which varies from woman to woman so she should show him exactly what she links. And the vast majority of women need clitoral touch as well as vaginal penetration. So lots of hand and tongue work will usually send her to heaven.
Coming together
Don’t panic – if you’ve never had a simultaneous orgasm in your life, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s fairly unusual – so most of the time I’d recommend you enjoy taking turns, or bringing yourselves off together. So long as over time you both have roughly the same number of orgasms, then be happy!
But if you want to try for simultaneous, then there are ways. The secret is to speed up the slower partner (typically her) and slow down the speedier one (typically him).
- Speed her up with mental arousal, sexy texts, erotic phone calls, moody films, fantasies – anything that in the hours before lovemaking, will get her in the mood.
- Slow him down by stopping occasionally to let him calm down again.
- Make sure she’s well lubricated – use commercially-sold ones or simply use saliva.
- Use hand, mouth or vibrator to bring her right to the edge before he penetrates.
- If he’s climaxing too fast then hold him back with two fingers just below his glands to soften his erection.
- Try 69 - mutual oral sex – waiting until you’re both ready to go before finishing off.
- When it comes to positions, use side-by-side for the shallow thrusting that will hold him back, or her-on-top so she can get the stimulation that will speed her up.
- Or – this one will almost always work – use the Coital Alignment Position (CAT). He goes on top, penetrates and then slides down so his pubic bone nudges her clitoris as he thrusts. She should tilt her pelvis for maximum clitoral stimulation.
Have fun!
Susan is back with me next Friday at 10pm.
After midnight I talked about the glut of 'Self-help' advice out there… I've recently added to that pile with my own Audiobooks (details below). At the start of a new year, it is tempting to take stock of your life and make some decisions about the changes you'd like to make, particularly in your love life. The next natural step is to seek advice on how to go about that.
You might turn to friends, all of whom will no doubt have something to say on the matter, but beware of them injecting their own agenda when it comes to the advice they might give. Your family too will have something to say but may not always be completely objective. Guidance from a stranger is often the best way to get some good solid impartial advice.
That's where the 'self-help' genre of books can really come into their own. On tonight's show, I asked you which books have helped you in your search for love and better sex. One of my recent favourites is 'the Sex Diaries' by Bettina Arndt and you came up with some of yours. Check out the podcast to listen to all the recommendations.
I spoke to a couple of authors who themselves have decided to offer their advice to the mix including Madeleine Lowe. Her book Stop Kissing Frogs, How to avoid Mr Wrong, find Mr Right and live happily every after, is out now (Price 9.99, published by Prentice Hall Life). Check it out to uncover the rest of her list of the worst mistakes women make and the other 9 ‘men to steer clear of’! To buy a copy, CLICK HERE
I also chatted to James Mconnachie whose new book, 'Rough Guide to Sex’; part of the 'Rough Guide' series is out now too. He is a well travelled man having written several tour guides before so it was fascinating getting his take on the complicated world of sex and relationships. Particularly the fact that he is so passionate about the idea of how humans interact and the chemistry that goes on between us on a subconscious level. To get a copy of ‘The Rough Guide to Sex’ – CLICK HERE
Finally, Susan recommended a few of her favourites too:
Getting It On by Paul Joannides (Goofyfoot Press)
The Real Rules by Barbara de Angelis (Vermilion)
If I'm so wonderful why am I still single by Susan Page (Piatkus books)
To listen again – CLICK HERE
Sex in the City will be back next Friday night from 10pm.
Have a great weekend,
Jim
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Jim’s own range of audio books are available to download now, entitled:
Five Steps To – Driving Her Wild in Bed
Five Steps To – Driving Him Wild in Bed
Five Steps To – Successful Dating
Also available:
Five Steps To – Getting the Job you want
Five Steps To – Successful Weight Loss
Click here to download via iTunes
Click here to download via Audible.co.uk