This week on ‘Sex in the City’, Susan and I spoke to Sally who was in love with a guy who didn’t love her back. Laura told us that she regretted finishing with her boyfriend after having an affair with another guy & Amy told us how she always rejects guys only weeks after starting to date them.
To listen to all or part of tonight’s show again – CLICK HERE
One of the issues we tackle regularly on the phones is ‘lack of self-confidence’. It is something that affects many people’s lives undermining their ability to achieve their ambitions and blighting their sex lives. It might be that your partner is the one who could use a boost in this department. If they are suffering from a low self esteem, there are some fantastic things you can do to help, allowing them to become more self-assured in the bedroom which can be fantastic for both of you! Susan’s Sex Tip this week reveals how…
BUILDING YOUR PARTNER’S SEXUAL CONFIDENCE IN BED
Of course we want to feel good in bed – and we want our partner to feel good, too. But while it’s frighteningly easy to undermine a beloved by saying or doing the wrong thing, it’s also very simple to boost their confidence.
This’ll have benefits for you too. Because the better your partner feels about themselves, the more they’ll enjoy themselves in bed, the more contented they’ll be with you as a lover – and the more relaxed they’ll be around trying new things, experimenting, pleasing you. Win-win situation all round!
So here are five tips for her, and five tips for him on how to make your partner feel like a love god (or goddess).
FOR HER: HOW TO MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A LOVE GOD
1: Tell him how impressed you are by his body, particularly his penis - because most men are very insecure about their muscles (and their love muscle). Don’t overplay it – he’ll know if you’re just flattering. But if you can genuinely tell him you love his organ, he’ll be eternally grateful.
2: Jump him without him asking you to. It’s every man’s dream for his beloved to initiate sex because she wants him sooooo much – he not only feels valued that she wants it, he feels extra valued because she’s taking the lead and not making him do the work. So when desire strikes, and you can’t wait a minute longer, go for it!
3: Show him how much he turns you on. When his touch sends you to heaven, really let him know – with words, moans, whimpers and wriggles. He’ll love to get really clear feedback about how he’s reaching you.
3: Tell him how to turn you on. It may sound contrary to say that you’ll boost his confidence by telling him to do something different - and you certainly shouldn’t’ nag or blame. But guys like to know they’re succeeding. So if you know a particular move blows your mind, letting him know that move will make him feel trusted and special – particularly if you’ve never told any other lover that particular secret.
But never, never… slag him off to your friends… tell him he’s too small, even as a joke… tell him he’s a worse lover than your ex… complain about his technique while you’re doing it… complain about his technique at all (complaining never works!)
FOR HIM: HOW TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A LOVE GODDESS
1: Tell her how much you love her body, particularly how she looks down there – and especially how she smells and tastes. Most women are convinced that they smell awful and are utterly thrilled by men who shows how much they love that odour. Try touching her down there and licking your fingers to show how much you enjoy.
2: Show her, in specifics, when she’s getting it right. Girls know it’s usually easy for a guy to get turned on – so she may not feel particularly flattered when you respond to her. But if you can respond to particular things she does - maybe a special way she has of kissing, or a cute trick she does with her breasts - then she’ll know that you’re not just being generally grateful, but you really like what *she* does.
3: Make orgasm something you share with her. Sure, when you climax you lose yourself in the sensation. But when you do, let her see and hear the pleasure so she knows she’s reached you. So don’t try to control - let yourself move and yell (though if you call a name, make sure it’s hers and not your ex’s!) Afterwards turn to her and cuddle rather than turning away to sleep. Thanking her isn’t a bad idea, either!
4: Talk about sex out of bed. Of course you’ll tell her she’s spectacular just after you’ve come – but then you would, wouldn’t you? But if you tell her how sexy she is at breakfast, text her with sexual compliments, during the day, whisper naughty thoughts when you’re in the supermarket queue, that’ll really get through. There are few things more morale-boosting to a girl than knowing her man is fantasising about her all day long.
But never, never… tell her she’s overweight… say her breasts are too small… tell her your ex gave better oral sex… threaten to leave if she won’t try something you want (say that, and she should leave!)
To visit the Sex Tips Archive – CLICK HERE
After midnight we talked about pornography. It emerged this week that manufacturers of adult films are embracing the new iPhone 4 technology enabling customers to use the new Apple 'Facetime' application to interact with their favourite porn stars ‘1 to 1’ using the video call facility.
This race to develop media for emerging technologies far from a new phenomenon. It is interesting to note that it is often the creators of pornography that drive the use of these new platforms. One of the reasons video recorders became so popular so quickly was the sudden availability of adult entertainment at home. Equally, more recently the battle to see which of the various High Definition DVD players to hit the market would emerge successful had a lot to do with which one the porn industry chose to use.
My big concern however is that the prolific availability of porn these days is having a dramatic impact on all of our sex lives, almost regardless of whether we choose to view it or not. When you think back just 20 years, the UK laws governing the content of adult films remained extremely strict. The old fashioned ‘X’ rated films would seem laughably tame compared to the hardcore films available today. Over more recent years, the restrictions on this kind of material have been relaxed even further. As a result the demand for more explicit content has driven the Porn industry to push the boundaries even further. What we are left with is an industry hell-bent on extracting as much money as possible from the public by producing more and more extreme subject matter and then making those images available through every form of media possible.
As a rule I don't have an issue with people using porn responsibly, providing they use it as titillation & entertainment and then forget about it. If they recognise that the actors are doing just that, acting, then it is unlikely to have a detrimental impact on them. There are in fact some positives to porn, I refer you to Susan's Sex Tip on the issue from a few weeks ago - CLICK HERE
The problems arise when the user's view of sex becomes skewed as a result of watching too much. Rising numbers of young people are becoming 'addicted' to watching porn and I believe real relationships are struggling as a result. The age old argument of whether too much sex and violence on TV really affects us will go on forever. The truth is I get many calls on the show from people who have unrealistic expectations about sex, often as a result of watching porn. When these ideas are planted, particularly in younger minds, on such a widespread level, I truly believe that we are setting ourselves up for generations of people who are unnecessarily anxious about sex causing their real-life relationships to suffer greatly.
I spoke to Harry who is a producer for ‘Relish Films’. He has this very day been in a meeting to discuss 3-D porn. He explained that the pornography industry is struggling to survive. With so much material available for free online, they are having to come up with new ideas all the time just to sustain their business.
I also spoke to Alison Dear from ‘Object’, an organisation set up to challenge the ‘sex-object’ culture & the ever increasing sexual objectification of women in the media, who earlier this evening organised a protest in Tesco Covent Garden covering ‘lads mags’ and dancing a conga round the store to make their point.
Finally I asked LBC’s gadget guru Darren how as parents we can successfully police our children’s use of technology to prevent them from exposure to pornography.
If you are worried about how much pornography you or your partner is using, then it is advisable to seek counselling to obtain a realistic perspective on the issue. For more information – CLICK HERE
Finally we discussed Helen in Croydon’s dilemma. Should she take her cheating husband back? Even her mother thinks she should… Download the podcast to hear what London thought…
I’ll be back with Susan next Friday from 10pm to answer more of your questions. Join us then if you can,
Jim
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