As always during the show, we never know who we’re going to talk to and what subjects will be raised by your calls and questions. This week we heard from Davis who claimed to be head over heals in love with 3 different women. Peter was considering marrying a Nigerian woman 25 years younger than him. Daniel is 26 and still single, 2 years after a messy break up and is finding he keeps repeating the same dating pattern and we talked to Anna who was desperately frustrated as her illness was coming between her and her boyfriend.
To listen to all or part of tonight’s show again – CLICK HERE
In this week’s ‘Sex Tip’ Susan described a technique that enables woman to reach orgasm without touching themselves…
Recent research from the States tells us that some women can bring themselves to climax without actually touching themselves. But is this true? And can *you* do it? This week, my Sex Tip suggests that, with lots of practice, the answer might be yes, Yes, YES!
- You’ll certainly need to prepare yourself mentally beforehand; all the women in the American study fantasized as a way to get themselves aroused. Because the brain is your biggest erogenous zone, so use it to the max. Remember your best-ever sex, and then play it through moment by moment. Or fantasise what your best ever future sex might be (Johnny Depp and a waterbed, anyone?) and then let your imagination run riot. You’ll need to do this for a while – not just a few minutes – until your body gets the message.
- You’ll also need to relax as much as possible. It’s now clear that women simply can’t orgasm until they feel safe, secure and relaxed – relaxed enough to switch off that part of the female brain that creates anxiety. So yes, use all those ‘candles, massage oil, romantic music’ tips and hints – but mostly, make sure you aren’t getting tense about the whole thing. This is not a race, nor is it a contest!
- Once you’re fully relaxed and your body’s started to respond to the thoughts you’re having, then get really aware of what you’re feeling. Research suggests that the reason many women don’t get aroused spontaneously in the way guys do is because their brains don’t actually register that their bodies are responding. So focus on the key areas of sexual arousal – nipples perhaps, clitoris surely, vagina. And don’t ignore your personal hot spots; maybe you get a tingle down your back when you get aroused, or maybe it’s your inner thighs that respond. As you fantasize, concentrate on these areas.
- Let your breathing follow suit. Again, the American study’s subjects often breathed their way to climax. And that makes sense, because taking on the breathing patterns you naturally use as you climax - deep and slow, moving to quick and shallow - will send the message to your body that climax is imminent. Keep breathing, keep concentrating, keep fantasizing – and let your genitals in particular get more and more aroused.
- Next, add in pelvic floor clenches. Pull in then let go your vaginal muscles – preferably with a slight tilt of your bottom upwards (add a pillow under your bum if you find it hard to keep that tilt without help). Then keep pulling in and letting go… this parallels the spasms of orgasm and nudges your body into realizing what it need to do. If you climax easily through penetration this might be all you need to tip you over the edge.
- If – like most women – you climax best through clitoral stimulation, you may have to take a different approach, and it may take quite a few attempts. After all the above steps, stimulate your clit as you always do, but make the stimulation as light as you can possibly do and still come. Then touch even more lightly, making most of your arousal come from your fantasy, breathing, clenches, and above all by concentrating on your sensations. Over time, get to the point where you are holding your fingers over your clit until the very last moment and then bringing yourself off by just one, single, light touch. Then… try to tip over the edge by imagining that single touch rather than actually doing it…
So… is it possible? For sure, not all of us will be able to do it. But for sure, given lots of practice and lots and lots of relaxation and focus, some of us will be able to do. So try it, keep practising – and do get in touch and tell us if you succeed!
PS: Sadly, the no-hands orgasm is much more difficult for the men, who typically need much more direct stimulation. Sorry guys!
To visit the Sex Tips Archive – CLICK HERE
After midnight we discussed the high levels stigma faced by HIV positive people in the UK. I was joined by Consultant Physician for the West London Clinic for Sexual Health, Dr Rachael Jones. She reminded us all of the importance of knowing your status and gave us a few startling examples of the levels of stigma faced by positive people.
I was frustrated by an article in the Guardian this week by Zoe Williams commenting on the case of Nadja Benaissa, the German pop star on trail accused of infecting a man with HIV by having unprotected sex with him and not disclosing her status. In the piece Ms Williams compared the alleged 'recklessness' Nadia had exhibited to be no worse than someone 'going swimming with a verruca'.
She blamed our knee jerk reaction to HIV as the reason behind the outdated and largely ineffective laws in place to deal with this kind of behaviour. She continued by saying if we were to extrapolate the scenario then we should begin to prosecute people who kiss knowing that they have a fever or even sneezing in a public place if we have the flu!
Whilst I am at the front of the queue of those who wish to 'normalise' HIV and through education make the population far more aware of the risks and precautions we should all take, I do believe that belittling the impact of HIV on an individual's life by simply saying it is 'no longer fatal' and 'manageable with one tablet a day' is hugely misleading and misguided.
Those who actually have HIV will tell you first hand it is no 'walk in the park'. Aside from the physical impact, the sickness, loss of energy and countless other symptoms that may present themselves, there is the mental trauma of coming to terms with the fact you are carrying a fatal virus with you, every day. Not forgetting the treatment you then receive from the people around you.
The stigma attached to HIV positive people in this country and around the world remains unforgivably high. I accept that criminalising sexual activity for HIV positive people adds to the stigma but it also serves an important purpose. The fact is, if you choose to have unprotected sex with someone without disclosing that you are HIV positive, you are playing Russian Roulette with their life. I know many HIV positive people and none of them would ever behave in such a manner. They are acutely aware of their responsibilities as positive people. For those who choose not to care about those responsibilities, there should be consequences.
I would urge anyone who cares about themselves and their fellow man to make themselves fully aware of the facts about HIV and charge themselves with ensuring that their family and friends all do the same. It is only through continued effort and education that we can beat this disease. Scandalous headlines involving pop stars only serve to widen the fear and stigma already attached to the HIV positive community.
Here are some facts:
• A day to day encounter with someone who is HIV positive poses no risk whatsoever of passing the virus.
• If you choose to have unprotected sex with a relative stranger, you are putting yourself at huge risk. This applies to gay and straight sex.
• Knowing your status will empower you to make informed decisions about your life. Early diagnosis is the key to successful management of the disease.
• Most people who die today of Aids related illness do so because they did not find out they had the virus until it was too late for effective treatment.
• If you have had unprotected sex, recently changed partners or think you might be at risk in any way, contact your local GUM clinic who will be delighted to see you.
If you think you need to get tested straight away – CLICK HERE
For more information on HIV and all sexually transmitted infections - CLICK HERE
To visit the West London Clinic for Sexual Health’s website – CLICK HERE
Finally tonight, with the A-Level results released this week, I talked briefly about a recent survey, done by London South Bank University, which revealed that a quarter of graduates met their life partner at University. I asked if you met your partner whilst at Uni and we talked about where you felt the best place to meet the love of your life was these days?
I have long felt that when love is on the agenda, ie on a date or a ‘singles night’, the added pressure to find someone almost squeezes out any chance of bonding with someone successfully. By removing that pressure and enjoying your life and the things you do, I believe you are far more likely to meet someone likeminded who you can connect with. If love blossoms as a result you are all the more likely to make a success of it. Having said that, to find out where you felt the best place to meet someone was, you’ll need to listen again to tonight’s show – CLICK HERE
Susan and I will be back next Friday night at 10pm. Do join us then if you can.
Jim
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