On the open lines we heard more of your life and your stories. This week Susan and I spoke to Steve who felt he was drifting from his partner. Sarah was struggling to nail down her man and get him to commit, even after 5 years of trying, Steve was battling to find a partner since moving to work nights and Sally called to tell us she was sick with panic that since breaking up with her ex, she had been waking up in the middle of the night, 2 or 3 times a week, having an involuntary orgasm. As always there was much more besides and I thank everyone who contacts the show for their honesty in what is often a difficult time.
To hear all or part of tonight’s show again – CLICK HERE
Susan’s Sex Tip Archive is now live and contains essential reading for anyone looking to improve their sex life. Take some time to have a browse this weekend – and maybe pick up a few ideas, just CLICK HERE
Following a question last week from a listener, Susan’s sex tip this week focused on the idea of ‘Phone Sex’. With the number of networks and deals offering free minutes around these days, it seems a shame not to have a go! Not only that, with the technology available at our fingertips these days, the possibilities are endless…!
NEW TECHNOLOGY SEX…
New technology’s made (almost) anything possible – we can now have sex by phone, by text, by webcam. How? Beginner’s guide for those who’ve not even heard of it: each of you masturbates yourself while at the same time you’re talking to, writing to, or looking at the other through the miracles of modern science. But, of course, making love at a distance isn’t quite the same as close up and personal – and it needs different techniques and skills. So how can you make it really amazing?
First, here are some general tips.
- Take time. Don’t expect to just jump in and get hot you start talking to, or seeing, your beloved. Like face to face sex, you’ll need an arousal period.
- Do some scene setting, Turn on the music and if you can get naked – at the very least get privacy so you can relax.
- Remove distractions. If you don’t, then even if your beloved can’t actually see you, they’ll be able to tell that your focus is not on them.
- Get the technology right, and in fully working order. Trust me, there’s nothing more frustrating than your mobile battery dying when you or your partner is just about to climax. Oh, and buy a headset so you’re hands free.
- Have everything to hand – lubricant, sex toys, whatever… You don’t want to have to leave the computer in the middle of the action in order to fetch the whip!
Helpful hints for phone sex
- It may take you a while to find the words and the tone – start maybe by just chatting, then move slowly into more erotic talk.
- If you can’t think what to say, then explain what you’re doing to yourself… or what you want to do to your partner… or what you want them to do to themselves.
- Spin fantasies, about being together anywhere in any situation… you both have to use your imaginations anyway, so make it work for you. Create a scenario, take it in turns to tell a story, ask intimate questions and answer them. Anything goes…
- If you miss the visuals, sit in front of a mirror and watch.
- You’re only using sound here, so you both need to be much clearer about what you’re doing. Find words that are comfortable for both of you, then describe the action step by step, not only movement, rhythm, speed but what you’re feeling – and how near you are to climax.
Helpful hints for text sex
- No visuals, and no sound here – plus often you’re doing it in public - so you really have to use your imaginations.
- You also have to keep things very, very brief – learn text .short cuts to give yourselves more options and develop your own codes for private bits and particular things you like doing.
- You also can’t waste text letters on a lot of erotic detail, so you may have to get straight down to it much more quickly than usual. Could be a good idea to get up to speed before you start texting.
- If you’ve got some privacy and can do something really naughty, you’ll have to pace your personal touching to keep pace with the texts that are coming in. So get used to taking yourselves along slowly and in sync.
Helpful hints for webcam sex
- Don’t try and look like movie stars – just be yourselves. (Though a slick of massage oil can make skin look gorgeous.)
- Don’t try and act like porn stars. It may work when you’re Photoshopped, but close ups of your genitals and licking the screen can come across very cheesy. Just lie back and act natural.
- Act to the camera, though – make a connection with your beloved rather than looking off into the distance.
- As with all the new technology sex, it may work better for each of you to take turns to climax, because it can be tricky to arouse yourself and still have some focus left to talk and move in a way that’s going to arouse your partner.
- As with face to face sex, take some time afterwards to snuggle up – it’s very discourteous to simply sign off after your orgasm.. Set aside time to cool down, talk a little – and remind each other not only that you want, but also that you care about each other.
Susan is back with me next Friday at 10pm. Don’t forget to access the archive – CLICK HERE
After midnight this week we talked about the Take That star Mark Owen has admitted this week to a string of affairs following an excess of alcohol. He has stated that he doesn’t believe drinking is any kind of excuse for cheating and for the record I have met Mark several times and know him to be a fantastic guy. Tragically though, this is a terrible situation for him and his wife Emma to have to cope with, and I do think it raises an interesting question about the influence of alcohol on our relationships.
Some say that cheating is cheating and there are no circumstances that might cause you to forgive your partner for doing the dirty on you.
When it comes to alcohol though, I'm inclined to lenience. Not because I believe it's ok to go out, get drunk and sleep around. It's just that I know from personal experience of living with an alcoholic that there are powerful forces at play, which at times neither of you are in a position to control.
Addiction to alcohol, like drugs or even cigarettes is immensely powerful and controlling. Everything in an addict's life centres around where and when they will get their next fix. Love and commitment come second place when you live with an addict. Until they get a grip on their addiction and beat it, as the partner of an addict you have to accept that you will always take second place.
The problem is what happens when they are under the influence? It's all very well when you're there to clean up the mess and get them home safely. When they're out of your reach, and they get drunk, how responsible are they for what might happen next?
Alcoholism is a disease. I don't blame those that have it for getting it. Like with any illness, nobody chooses to become sick. It often takes hitting rock bottom to realise how far you've fallen and it's only then you begin to recognise the cost of your addiction and perhaps begin to do something about it.
For that reason I would be inclined to analyse the evidence carefully and decide on forgiveness rather than make a snap judgment. I've had to do exactly that in the past and it isn't easy. It's just one more thing to add to the list of compromises we make when we chose to share our life with someone.
To discuss the issue I was joined by Elizabeth Jones from Fisher Meredith Law who believes that drinking is no excuse for adultery & Don Shenker from Alcohol Concern who accepts that alcoholics need help for their problems. Click on either of their names to visit their websites.
Finally tonight we talked about the crazy ways you’ve been dumped. I was stunned to discover a website which offers to dump your partner for you by ringing them and then posting the phone call on the internet! In many ways, I’m surprised that nobody has offered this service before as we can all be nervous of ending a relationship. Nevertheless, it takes a rare breed of sadism to want to dump somebody so publically, or so you’d think.
The founder of the website, ‘Bradley’, is getting 2 or 3 requests a day and claims demand is growing. He joined me to tell me what motivates him to provide such a seemingly horrific service for people.
If you want to find out more or listen to some more of these breathtaking calls, CLICK HERE
I’m back with Susan next Friday night from 10pm.
Jim
x
PS – In this month’s Attitude Magazine – ‘The Older Issue’, read Jim’s contribution about why your sex life as a gay man should be improving after the age of 30!
PLUS - Jim’s range of Audiobooks is now available to download and listen to wherever you choose – on the Tube or bus, at home or in the car… Click on the links below to find out more. Titles include:
Five Steps To – Successful Dating
Five Steps To – Driving Her Wild in Bed
Five Steps To – Driving Him Wild in Bed
Five Steps To – Getting the Job you want
Five Steps To – Successful Weight Loss
Click here to download via iTunes
Click here to download via Audible.co.uk