Stop Those Wandering Minds
The 2010 Durex Sex Survey is out this week – with lots of fascinating facts. One that startled Jim and I, though, was that over 40% of people, when making love, let their minds wander onto such unromantic things as housework, shopping and sport.
Which is a shame. Because psychologically, focusing on your lover and your lovemaking means you appreciate it more – and erotically, it means you feel it more. Concentrating your mind on what you’re doing, and on what’s being done to you, will make you more aware of your sensations. And, will enhance those sensations – because the more aware you are the higher the level of your arousal and the stronger your body’s response. What’s not to like?
How to do it? Obviously cut out all distractions – make sure the kids are in bed, the phone’s on silent, the TV’s turned off. If you already know, as you start to make love, that you’ve got things on your mind, or a mental list of tasks you have to do, then writing these things down can help you focus.
Once in bed, “trying hard” not to be distracted won’t work; it’ll just get you stressed and tense. Instead, if you find your attention wandering, gently bring it back to the task in hand. What will often help is to identify the part of your body that’s experiencing most pleasure right now – whether that’s your lips kissing your beloved’s face, or your buttocks being explored by your beloved’s hands - and concentrate on that.
The Durex survey shows that many people think of a celebrity, a work colleague, or a former lover. So if you find yourself imagining someone outside your relationship - then let your mind move to a really positive memory of your partner so you can replace the celebrity’s image with an image of your beloved’s face and their body.
If it’s thoughts of an activity that keeps distracting you – replaying that meeting at work, or imagining the upcoming match – then put more energy into moving while you’re making love. Active movement – maybe a different position or a varying pace – will get your adrenalin moving, shake you out of your reverie, and refocus you away from everyday actions and onto the passion.
One ‘but’, however… While concentrating on the here and now will always make your sex life better, there is also a case for properly-focused mind-wandering. It’s called fantasy, and all the research suggests that partners who fantasise positively have better sex lives and are better lovers.
What’s the difference? Good fantasy is when you focus on the here-and-now – and on the one you’re with – but you change some other element. Perhaps you imagine the whole thing happening on a country hillside… on the boss’s desk… on top of the Empire State building. Perhaps you imagine being snuggled up in the Ice Hotel, or relaxing on a tropical beach, or swimming in a lagoon, or showering under a jungle waterfall. Perhaps you think of being captured by pirates, or worshipped by your courtiers, or adored by your fans…
In this case, absolutely let your mind wander – but let your beloved in on the dream too. Tell them what you’re imagining, let them add to the story, maybe even exchange thoughts while you’re making love. Now… that’s using your mind wonderfully and erotically!