'I met the devil, but chose to live' How New Year’s Eve marked one woman’s end to abuse, addiction and homelessness

The 50-year-old Londoner describes herself not as a victim, but as a survivor - someone who walked through “hell” and chose life on the other side.

Her experiences span years of violence, control and life on the streets.

Her first abuser held her hostage for a week. During that time, he beat her, sexually assaulted her, forced drugs on her and wouldn’t allow her to wash or use the toilet. Her second abuser – her husband and the father of her child – attacked her in the bath while she was pregnant, leaving her terrified that she would drown. Her third caused many of the lasting scars on her body. In one attack, he stamped on her throat in front of witnesses, leaving her hospitalised.

In 2020, Esther moved into a refuge on New Year’s Eve – a time she often describes as the exact moment she turned her life around. Now, substance-free and rebuilding her life, she is determined to give hope to others by sharing her story to empower others as the new year begins.

'Love bombed'

Looking back, Esther says the abuse did start in obvious ways.

“I was love bombed. It was almost like it was masked. Then when I realised something was wrong, it was too late.”

She describes relationships that slowly became controlling, where the harm was reframed as care.

“I thought that he did the things that he did because he loved me, because that’s what he said. It was like it was in my best interest.”

Violence was followed by remorse and promises, which kept her trapped by hoping things would change.

“He was so convincing. I always hoped that he meant what he said.”

She said she would receive beatings for minor things beyond her control such as getting friend requests.

As the abuse escalated, Esther became increasingly isolated.

“I was estranged from all my family. There wasn't anyone that I could go to because I spent so much time saying that things were okay, but people could see they weren’t.”

The impact spilled into every part of her life, including work, as she struggled to hold down jobs.

“I’ve had my boss say to me, ‘You can’t come in looking like that’, as I was front of house. I was so embarrassed… I just never went back.”

Day-to-day survival meant shrinking herself and trying not to be noticed.

“I just kept quiet and tried to be good.”

'Constant state of anxiety'

She described it as living in a “constant state of anxiety” and adapting herself to survive.

“If he didn't seem in a good mood, I'd try and keep out the way. But then eventually nothing works.”

She describes how people-pleasing became a coping mechanism that still affects her today.

Then, she started using alcohol and substances to cope with the trauma. But this eventually also became a tool for control.

“He kind of used it against me. When he realised that I needed them or was using them to cope, he'd go out of his way to withhold.

Esther spoke of the issues faced by victims when they eventually try to leave.

“It’s the most dangerous time when you're even thinking of leaving.

“For me, I just needed the reassurance that it was going to be okay. That I felt heard and that I felt safe.”

When Esther became homeless, the danger intensified.

During this time, Esther was trying to stay safe from an abusive former partner while navigating street homelessness during the pandemic.

“I can't explain what it's like to be a woman on the street experiencing violence also while trying to hide from your perpetrator, while waiting to be housed.

“No one plans to end up on the streets. No one aspired in life to end up on the streets. Behind every face is a terrible story.”

Survival on the streets, particularly as a woman, meant constant vigilance.

“You have to become someone else. One word out of place… could literally put you in hospital, and it did put me in hospital.”

She explained: “Everyone on the streets is trying to survive as well. So, it’s dog eat dog.

“I was just trying to get by literally hour to hour sometimes. You're having to deal with some terrible situations that no human really should have to deal with.

“You really are broken bit by bit until you just like become just a shell.

When safety finally came, it arrived on New Year’s Eve 2020, when Esther moved into a refuge outside London.

“It was totally out of area. Nobody knew me. Nobody could find me. So that the final absolute feeling of safety and relief was unmatched.”

'Given up on life'

Beforehand, Esther said she had “given up on life”.

“Once you get that feeling of safety, you may even have a meltdown because it's almost like you get a chance to let it all out.

“You're carrying around all these, all this anxiety, all this feeling of feeling unsafe, being scared.”

“Once you feel safe and you feel that peace, it's like everything just comes tumbling out. I think I cried solidly for three days.

“I was a mess, but a happy mess, if that makes sense?”

She went on: “You're safe to feel because you spent all your time against trying to forget what you're going through and what you've been through and what you've experienced or what may happen.

“The thought of what's going to happen is often worse than when you get sort of thrown about or punched or stabbed with a screwdriver. Sometimes you wish it would just happen rather than the build up to it.”

“So, when all those, when you don't have to feel all those feelings and it hits you, it can lead to a meltdown.”

She credits the refuge for saving her and helping her turn her life around.

“I'd been living terribly in a terrible situation around terrible people for such a long time. “When I walked into the room, I just got such a lovely welcome. It was hard to believe it was happening because I didn't believe that people like that still existed.”

That same day became her sobriety date – which made her feel “free”.

“I think without my sobriety, I probably would be dead.”

Esther said she substances and alcohol to cope with her trauma.

“So, once I was free of all that I didn't have, I didn't have anything to mask.”

New Year’s Day marks five years since Esther became sober.

“I know it sounds so cliche, but it's just given me life beyond my wildest dreams.

She added: “I don't need substances or alcohol to get by because I have so much else. I have everything because I haven't got much.”

She credits sobriety as one of the biggest factors in reclaiming her life.

“It gave me presence of mind.”

'I chose to live'

Esther describes the word survivor with quiet certainty.

“It means I’ve been through hell. I’ve lived it, I’ve breathed it. I met the devil, but I chose to live.”

She added: “I was given the tools and the support. It means that I've been through all that and I've come out smiling.”

Today, Esther works in community rehabilitation, is training to be a counsellor, and is a trustee of the refuge that once supported her. “I always wanted to give back. I went full circle.”

However, while she commends the work of hostels she also knows there is work to be done in improving their services.

She believes men and women should be separated as women are particularly vulnerable, especially as substance use in hostels is also endemic.

She also questioned the logistics of where abuse survivors are placed and the need for heightened security.

“They put me in a hostel literally up the road from my perpetrator. That's how he found me and nearly killed me and eventually went to prison for it. So it was never safe for me to be in any hostel in that area.”

She added one day she’d love to run her own hostel.

'You deserve better'

For anyone currently experiencing abuse, her message is clear.

“You deserve better than what you’re going through. It was not God’s plan for your life. It does get better. Reach out safely.

“The support is there if you reach out safely,” she urged.

She spoke of how she visits the refuge to share her experience with people going through what she did.

“I go back and I speak to the ladies in the refuge.

“I always say picture yourself how you wanted or expected your life to be.

“Then they take a minute. They think about it, and then I say, that's yours.

“You, if you want it, you know that you do have the opportunity and that it can be yours.

“I'm living proof of that,” she reiterated.

She described her transformation as “unfathomable”.

“When I first stepped foot in that refuge on New Year's Eve 2020, it is nothing short of a miracle. It's unfathomable the person I am now to that person.

That's why I want to breathe so much hope into people that are going through that.

“I literally thought, no, it can't happen for me. This is my life. It keeps happening. People are always going to treat me like that.

“I know that there'll be people, women and men, out there thinking the same thing. I want them to know that it can be. It is better and it can be better. There's help and there's support.”

As the New Year begins, Esther hopes to help and inspire more people by sharing her voice.

“I hope to see the light shine in the eyes of the people that have gone through the same stuff.

Just to watch someone become motivated about life again is incredible because I remember how excited I was.

“Once I saw my heart had settled and a certain peace settled in my heart, I began to be excited and motivated about life and building a future again.

“The future that I had planned didn't happen, you know, but the future that I'm planning and the Future is just as beautiful, if not more.”

She concluded: “Look where I am. I'm sat in my little flat. I've got my little Christmas tree and I've got a few presents that I have to wrap for my family who are all now back in my life.

“I get a bit teary, but in a good way. So thank you.”

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*name changed for anonymity

Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline is available on 0808 2000 247 for free, confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. A live chat service is also available from 10am to 10pm, Monday to Friday, and from 10am to 6pm on weekends.

For further information and advice, visit www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk. For support with tech-facilitated abuse, visit www.refugetechsafety.org.