‘I vowed as a young girl that it wouldn't happen to me': One woman’s story of escaping forced marriage to her cousin
A British woman who escaped a forced marriage to her cousin has spoken to LBC about the violence and control that led her to flee the family home.
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Anisah, now 35, was born in the UK to Pakistani parents and raised within strict cultural expectations around honour, gender roles and marriage.
She said the threat of forced marriage loomed over her from childhood and that the practice was “normalised” in both her family and her community.
From a young age, she witnessed relatives - including male family members - being forced into marriages with cousins back in Pakistan.
Forced marriage, a practice in which one or both people do not or cannot consent to the union, sees pressure or abuse used to strong-arm them into it.
The practice has been illegal in the UK since 2014 and is considered a form of domestic abuse.
Even as a child, Anisah knew this was not the future she envisioned for herself.
“I vowed as a young girl that’s not going to happen to me. I always knew I was going to run away.”
Anisah said she became aware of gender inequality in her tight-knit community at an early age, particularly as a ‘tomboy’ who loved playing football and cricket.
“I didn't understand why these rules are all just for girls, whereas boys can just do whatever they want.
"I didn't like the fact that women are the family's honour meanwhile men can get away with everything.
“I remember thinking ‘I’m going to do whatever I want.”
She said things became more difficult when she hit puberty and her mother began to exert tighter control over her behaviour.
"As soon as I hit puberty, my mum got really strict.
“She told me I couldn’t wear Western clothing anymore and if I did, I had to cover up. I couldn’t have any cleavage out, things like that.”
Despite this, Anisah described herself as a rebellious child who sought freedom wherever she could.
“There was a lot of sneaking around. Even when I was younger, I would tell my mum I was at school, but I'd just be out with my friends on the streets.
“I was just rebellious all the time. That's how I think I knew that that lifestyle wasn't for me.”
Anisah said her understanding of relationships began to change when she started secondary school and mixed with classmates from outside her immediate cultural background.
"When I went into secondary school, I didn't have a lot of South Asian friends at all, I hung around with a lot of the white girls and black girls, so my understanding of relationships changed.”
Later, at university, she said she encountered further alternatives to the future that had been laid out for her.
“I started hanging around with Bengali girls. I started to understand we don't have to marry our cousins because I don't think Bengalis really do that. It was very much a Pakistani thing.”
'I knew I had to run away'
After finishing university, tensions at home escalated.
They came to a head when Anisah was tagged in a photo on Facebook showing a male friend with his arm around her. A cousin saw the image and taunted her parents, insinuating she had a boyfriend.
That same night, Anisah was given an ultimatum: leave the family home, or stay and marry a cousin in Pakistan. If she stayed, she would only be allowed to go to work — no friends, phone or further education.
“I wanted to do the bar. I had got onto doing it, but my parents had said no more education for you.”
“I knew I had to run away,” she concluded.
The next day, Anisah went to work at her job at Boots where a colleague noticed her distress. She confided in her colleague who offered to go with her to her house to get her stuff.
However, after seeing other family members at the house she said she couldn’t leave and felt stuck by feelings of guilt and shame.
The same night and once family members had left, a friend drove from London to help her escape.
“He waited outside and I packed four black bin bags full of stuff.” When she went upstairs to collect the bags, one hit a baby gate at the top of the stairs.
“My mum heard it, she woke up and chased me down the stairs. “I just ran into the car, it was crazy,” she recalled, describing it as an ‘Eastenders’ moment.
With just £60 in her bank account, her friend paid for a hotel in London for the night.
“After that it was a massive struggle,” she said, adding that she was homeless for a period and often sofa-surfed while trying to rebuild her life.
“It was a horrible place to be. Coming from always being around your family.
“My mum used to say, you don't need friends when you've got family which was complete b******* for me.
“When I actually left home, I didn't need my family. I actually needed my friends and they're the ones that supported me through everything.”
'Freedom for me'
After leaving home, Anisah said she was finally able to live life on her own terms.
“I was able to go on my first ever holiday without my family and choose the destination I wanted.
“I went clubbing, I’d always wanted to go clubbing when I was younger and when I went it was like, ‘Oh my God, I love dancing!’."
“It was freedom for me, just experiencing life,” she added, explaining that she also volunteered and lived abroad.
Anisah said she decided to speak publicly about her experience in the hope it might help others in similar situations. She also hopes to write about her story one day.
"It could help girls that have been in my situation to maybe choose themselves or it might even help a Pakistani parent understand maybe we shouldn't be acting like that.”
She said forced and cousin marriage remain prevalent in parts of the Pakistani community in the UK.
"I have Arab friends, I have Somali friends. They have their own issues within their cultures. But forced marriages or cousin marriages is definitely a Pakistani thing.”
Culture clash and contradictions
Anisah reflected on what she described as a deep culture clash in growing up Pakistani in the UK.
“Parents want us to be educated but they also want us to be married to our cousins. It doesn't make sense.” She said this confusion is often manipulated in men’s favour.
"We were brought up very cultural, very Pakistani. It was really hard to separate the two growing up.
“The culture is completely twisted to benefit males. “It’s a male dominated culture in Pakistan. Men work, women stay at home. It literally is that women have to cover up when they go out.”
She said visits to Pakistan reinforced her views on strict gender norms.
"When I visit, I can't go outside on my own because there's, it's not even just honour, it’s also the idea of men being entitled to women. My mum would say women will just get raped outside. It’s that scary."
“So it's like the males have made the society for themselves. I guess, it's like the Victorian times of the olden days in England.
“Women were just treated like complete crap. We're just still stuck in those ways.”
She added that her parents moved over in the 1970s and that some of the customs and traditions of British-Pakistani community seem frozen in time.
Anisah said she later explored these issues academically. "I wrote my dissertation on honour-based violence,” she said, explaining she examined how men often perpetrate violence while women protect and gatekeep it.
She also highlighted the role of gossip, particularly around women’s sexuality.
“There's this massive problem of gossiping, talking about women and their sexuality. Honour is all around the woman's sexuality.
“If you're seen to be a little bit rebellious - not even promiscuous because a lot of girls aren't even promiscuous - but even if you are for example, wearing tight clothing, it’s as if you’re trying to show off her body.
“I had my mum say to me I was wearing like a slightly low-cut top, my mom was like ‘Are you trying to show your uncle you've got a woman's body now?’
“I was like, my uncle? My dad's brother. Are you okay?”
She added: “In that sense, you're so sexualised. That's the crazy thing. You're sexualised as a woman, but you're not supposed to be sexual in any way.”
Despite everything, Anisah said she still values parts of her culture.
She explained: "I love the language. I love the weddings (not when they're forced!).
“I like the clothing, the jewellery. I like how we are kind of proud of being brown and being Pakistani.
“But I also think this type of pride has negatives.”
She added that she has received backlash for choices that challenge expectations.
"Because then that's when we see people like me being married to a Black man is kind of, for people, is kind of crazy.”
Although it took many years, Anisah eventually reconciled with her parents and still has a relationship with them. “It took years,” she said.
“There was a lot of backwards and forwards.
“There were a lot of times they cut me off because when I left home, I obviously didn't live the great Islamic Asian girl lifestyle that they wanted.
“There were things they didn't like about my lifestyle. They would cut me off whenever they wanted or whenever they felt like it. That would mean my whole family cut me off, not just my parents.”
She said marrying her husband marked another turning point.
“Getting married changed a lot of things because in my culture they see it like once you get married, you're no longer their problem.
”It’s as if the problem has been passed on to my husband and I very much understand that.” She added: “I know I can lean on them and I can be supported, but their support is only to a point.”
Anisah also said her marriage to her husband, who is Jamaican, made her a source of scandal in the community.
"I know for a fact, I'm gossiped about.”
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'No honour in honour-based violence'
Anisah urges other girls and young women facing similar situations to seek help.
“There's no honour in honour-based violence. There's no honour in beating your children.
“There's no honour in forcing children into marriage. There's no honour in harming your children. She urged anyone facing the same problem to choose themselves.
“If you don't choose yourself, they're not going to choose you and they're not choosing you in their decisions anyway.
“They're not actually thinking of you as an individual. I definitely urge people to seek support from certain services She also encouraged those in immediate danger to contact specialist support.
“For young girls who might be in the position where they're actually going to be forced into a marriage or taken onto a plane look at the forced marriage unit. There's a lot of government work that's out there for forced marriages so look into that.”
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'Serious violation of human rights'
Speaking on the subject, a government spokesperson said: “Forced marriage is a serious violation of human rights that nobody should ever have to endure.
“The joint Home Office and Foreign Office Forced Marriage Unit works to combat forced marriage both at home and abroad, providing support and advice for victims, those at risk, and professionals, through its public helpline and inbox.”
'Abuse is abuse'
It comes as UK honour-based abuse charity, Karma Nirvana, said: "Data from the National Honour-Based Abuse helpline ran by Karma Nirvana, commissioned by the Home Office shows triggers a victim could experience when perpetrators believe an individual has brought or may bring shame or dishonour to the family, themselves or the community.
"It includes but is not limited to Forced Marriage, and in 24/25, we handled 3,079 HBA cases on our helpline, with 14% having experienced or at threat of Forced Marriage.
"On our helpline, we speak to individuals like Anisah every day and told that simply being female or having a history of HBA was the trigger for abuse, as is the case for Anisah. Other triggers include wanting a divorce, refusing an arranged marriage, or having a boyfriend/girlfriend.
"Overall, our data shows that abuse triggers are often linked to gender, family dynamics and challenges to expectations.
"We believe everyone has the right to make their own choices about their life. There are many misconceptions about Honour Based Abuse being associated with certain cultures or religions, and our work is dedicated to challenging and correcting such beliefs.
"Honour Based Abuse is not a cultural tradition or religious practice; it is a form of abuse that can occur within any community, regardless of faith or background.
"Abuse is abuse – no matter who the perpetrator is or how they justify it.
"If you believe you are experiencing Honour Based Abuse or at risk of a Forced Marriage, you are not alone and help is available. In 2008, we set up our free confidential helpline which supports thousands of people nationwide every year. This is available via telephone and email, and you can remain anonymous when you contact us."
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