‘The fact I’m here now is a miracle’: Manchester synagogue attack survivor on guilt, grief and loss

As the terrorist, Jihad Al Shamie, tried to force his way into the Heaton Park Hebrew Congregation Synagogue on October 2nd, Yoni, along with seven others, barricaded the door and refused to let him in.

Within seven minutes armed police had taken him down, but in the chaos of the response, Yoni had been shot and injured, and Adrian, 53, had suffered a fatal gunshot wound.

Two months on, Yoni has told LBC it is a miracle he is alive and that he is riddled with survivors guilt.

"The day started as Yom Kippur, so it was already quite a solemn day", he said.

"I was due to lead one of the services, so I was a little bit nervous about that.

"It must have been 9:30, we heard quite a loud bang... we didn't know what that was, but very quickly, Alan Levy, who's the Chair of Trustees, who was on the door welcoming people, came running into the synagogue itself saying "get those doors closed".

"We didn't understand yet what had happened, but as I got into the foyer I saw a very angry, very angry man on the stairs in front of the doors, trying his best to get in, holding a very large knife and what looked like a bomb around his waist."

Jihad Al Shamie had already used his car to attack and injure people outside the Synagogue. He had also stabbed Melvin Cravitz, 66, to death, and with what appeared to be a suicide belt around his waist, he was trying to force his way into the Shul to attack those inside.

"I think instinct takes over", Yoni told LBC.

"All of us on the doors that morning were making sure that he wasn't coming in. We didn't know the bomb wasn't viable. Although the strange thing is, I think we all forgot that he was wearing a bomb.

"We obviously all saw the knife and we knew the damage that that could cause and we weren't going to let him in to do what he wanted to do. And I don't think in that moment, you think. I think it's just instinct. You go along, we're not going to let him in. But it does feel quite a long time.

"So you're holding the doors, he's picking things up from the courtyard, he's throwing them at the door, he's using his knife to try and break the glass to try and get in. The doors are buckling, so we have to hold them to make sure that he can't get through. But I think in that moment, it's just we couldn't let him in because we didn't know what damage that he could cause.

What did you think was going on?

"Obviously, having seen what he was wearing and having seen the knife, we knew that it was an attack on us, and it wasn't unexpected.

"I think it's something that we'd been quietly anticipating and almost expecting because of the rhetoric and because of what had been going on over the last two years, so I don't think we were shocked, but at the time, it was just about protecting the people inside the shul at the time. That's what we had to do.

The whole incident, whilst seeming to take quite a long time, actually was only seven minutes from him trying to get in through the shul and the police arriving and shooting him.

And when they did arrive, obviously that then had consequences for you...

When the police arrived, they came into the courtyard. He then came down the steps towards them quite aggressively. They were shouting at him, "armed police", and presumably because of what they thought was a bomb, they opened fire and he went down.

"He somehow got back up again and went towards them, and they shot him again. At that point, that's when I knew I'd been shot. I could feel the bullet go in, so I knew I'd been hit.

Did you know how you'd been hit?

I don't know how the bullet actually travelled. What I know at the moment, and this could change, was that the bullet went through him and either ricocheted off the steps or went straight through the door, then went into me and then exited me and went into Adrian, who I didn't know at the time was standing behind me."

How much do you remember from the aftermath?

"I was conscious all the way through. I was lying on the floor and people in the shul were helping. So there was somebody with me, lying next to me. At that point, the police came in, cleared the building. As far as I know, it might have been the fire brigade that came to me first, and then the paramedics reached me, and from that moment on. I've been looked after incredibly well."

What were your injuries?

"My left lung had collapsed, so I was finding it difficult to breathe, and I had injuries to my kidney, diaphragm and the large bowel as well."

How are you now and what were your feelings at the time?

"My thought process at the time was, I don't want to die here, and that's really difficult for me because I didn't know what happened to Adrian behind me at the time. I didn't know what happened to Melvin. And these are just nice people, they didn't deserve what happened to them. They're stalwarts of the community.

"People described Adrian afterwards as a friendly neighbour, friendly person, somebody who always gave. Melvin was a devoted family man, loved his family, loved the community. Everybody loved Melvin, everybody loved Adrian and I think that really is a mark of who they were.

How are you doing in your recovery?

"Physically better. I've been given permission to go to the gym, I've been given permission to go running, so that's helped. And I've, like I say, incredibly well looked after. I had, I believe, four surgeons in hospital when they operated on me and then the care that they gave me afterwards, the NHS were absolutely fantastic.

"I was looked after 24 hours in the early days when I was in the icu. When I was moved to hdu, I was moved on to a ward later on and I was given a side room. But again, I can't fault at all. The way they looked after they looked after me was incredible. The way they healed me was just. The only word I can use to describe it is incredible.

"People say "it's a job" and that's what they do on their day to day lives, but you really feel it's more than that. They really care, they really, really want you to get better, they really want to look after you and they really did."

Can I ask you about your feelings that this happened at all?

So since October 7, when the attacks in Israel happened and when Hamas attacked Israel, there's been a lot of anger really across the world at Israel and at the Jews, and it's a very difficult thing to live with because anger at what happens in Israel, you know, whether that's justified or not, it shouldn't spill over into the hate and into the anger that has happened in this country.

"When that hate and when that anger leads to the incident that happened in Yom Kippur, that's a real world consequence of what antisemitism looks like. It was shocking, but we were expecting it because it's been building and people are angry and people are entitled to be angry, but it shouldn't spill over the way that it did.

"The silent majority, I'd like to believe they don't want violence, they want to live peacefully and we've seen that support from, I say, huge sections of the country.

"In terms of the wider picture, we're over two months on from what happened. Are we any closer to solving the issue of anti Semitism? I don't think we are. I think it's still there and there's still hate, there's still marches, there's still anger against the Jewish community. We live in a democratic country, we're entitled to have our opinions, but it shouldn't turn into what it does.

I know there's still lots of security...

"The CST do a wonderful job of protecting us, and it is good, it is great that we get that support, that we're looked after and that people want to do that, they want to make sure that we're secure, but it sometimes feels like that's not the answer.

"It seems to be that the response to an incident like this is to put up more walls, to put up more gates. Are we solving the real cause of antisemitism? Are we solving the issues that are causing it? I'm not sure we are.

"Whilst it's great we get that support and we feel safer inside our buildings, we're not tackling the root cause of what's causing antisemitism."

What do you hope can come from this?

"What I've seen in the days and weeks following what happened is a huge amount of good.

"We're capable of so much good and we're capable of combating the darkness that we saw on that day, and I always say it doesn't take much, you know, smile at somebody, say hello, reach out to somebody that you haven't spoken to for a while, put some good back into the world which we've seen, we. Which will overturn, hopefully, and really move us away from that darkness.

How do you process what happened to you?

"There's a huge amount of survivor's guilt. It's very difficult because whilst we're trying to move forward and the community are at the same time, for me personally, there is that survivor's guilt, because people lost their lives on that day, and people lost their lives on that day doing what they do every Yom Kippur, what they do every weekend, what they do going about their daily lives.

"It's separating out for me the fact that the same bullet that went into me and didn't kill me, and unfortunately, what happened to Adrian.

"So that's very difficult. But that's a sort of separate issue and that's something I have to deal with in terms of what happened on the day, the police, I mean, they ran towards danger on that day. They didn't know the bomb wasn't viable, they knew we were in danger and they put themselves in harm's way to protect us. What happened on that morning, what happened to me was not the fault of the police, it was the fault of the terrorist.

"What happened after he turned up at the shul wanting to do what he did, that's on him.

How do you go forward, personally?

I do feel I've been given another chance, another opportunity, because really, the fact that I'm here now, it is a miracle. There's no question it is, and I don't want to waste that chance.

And therefore, what I do going forward, what happened, has changed me, but I've got to make sure that I don't waste the second opportunity that I've been given.

The King came to visit... what did he say to you, and what did you say to him?

"I made him laugh. I don't remember what I said, but he laughed. The King was great.

"You talk about the warmth, and you talk about trying to heal, and the King coming was a huge part of that.

"He does the talking. He's great at it. He obviously goes to thousands of these engagements, and he was just great because he really cared. You know, asking how we were doing, asking how we were being looked after, asking how family was. I'm really taking his time. I think for me, that's the thing that stands out the most, that he came in and he spoke to every single person in the shul who was there on that day, and at no point did any of it feel rushed. He really took his time, the fact that he really showed that care, I think that really stood out for me."

How do you feel when you're out and about? Do you feel things can change, that they will change?

"I'd like to think they can change, but it's a really difficult question because, like I say, we're. We're over two months on and there is still. There's still that fear, there's still that uncertainty, there's still that feeling that actually, what happened before Yom Kippur, could it happen again? Again? Would it be a surprise? I don't think it would. I think we need to make changes. I'm not a politician, I don't have the answers, but there is still a huge amount of anti Semitism in this country and that has to stop.

"People have to recognise, and like I say, I believe the majority of people, the support that we've received, people are good, people want to do good, but when things get posted on social media, when things are said, it does have consequences. And I guess the question to ask is, is what I'm saying, is what I'm doing, is this going to put light into the world or is this going to create darkness? Because what you say and what you do can have real world consequences.

What are your feelings towards the man who did this?

"I try not to think about him. He isn't worth the time. We, as a community are trying to move forward and I think what was really powerful for us was the Rabbi Walker, who is a Rabbi of the of the shul, of the community, his instinct on the day after what happened was to carry on.

"There wasn't a single service missed in the days following. Other communal organisations opened their doors to us and made sure that we could carry on the services and I think really that is how we respond as a community, is we don't want anger, we don't want hate, we don't want violence. We respond peacefully, we respond with what we do and we carry on.

"I think that's the only way that we can do it."