How to stop violence before it starts: Inside the art of modern de-escalation with an international security expert

An academic background in Criminology, provided me with an understanding of the mind set of the aggressive. I later pressure tested different theories in handling confrontation, as a door supervisor- one of my more visceral early security roles.

Extensive travels and training in the martial arts, sharpened my awareness to heightened  levels, allowing me to decode body language and better sense a person's intent, before a situation erupts. The years working in risk intelligence and investigations have also provided further moments to use these skills to disengage from hostility and protect my clients' interests.

Today, I share these skills with executives, Family Offices and people working in security. While some clients initially seek me out for my expertise in physical self-defence, we still place focus on the verbal and psychological dimensions of a confrontation, to prevent a turbulent situation from regressing into something far more volatile.

The ability to diffuse an adversarial  situation isn't just relevant when faced with a dangerous criminal. Conflict can manifest almost anywhere- in unheralded, blunt verbal exchange during a commute; in domestic violence or where a person needs to slip away from a narcissist. Alternatively, you might be facing a fraudster, who uses confrontational behaviour to force their agenda.

It’s a regrettable truth that anyone whose job involves interacting with the public may, at times, have to act in a similar manner to a crisis negotiator. Over the years, I've trained members of airline cabin crews, police, fire fighters, high profile figures and hotel staff to handle heated dialogue or anti-social behaviour.

In the private investigation field, we've had cases where a family member gets targeted by a predatory person who escalates tension to isolate the vulnerable person from their family. Escalation is a domineering weapon to gain influence; de-escalation can be a disarming mechanism to shine a light on deception.

Effective de-escalation starts with temperament not a script.  It requires a specific kind of psychological fortitude. Before we even discuss what to say, we focus on the foundation- those attributes that allow a person to handle what can often be very uncomfortable situations. Then, we explore practises that help one to connect with these attributes.

One of your greatest assets is composure. Without it, you're prone to the duellist's trap, where remarks are traded like volley shots in a tennis match. The moment you impulsively start matching the controlling person's pace and volume, they gain control. By maintaining a sense of inner neutrality, you stop reacting; you start orchestrating.

Aggressive dialogue is an intimidation tool designed to lay siege to your nervous system. Emotions stir, heart beats speed up and some may find their voice wanting to retreat further into their throat. The secret- refuse to dance to their tune. By introducing tactical silence and hard-to-detect pauses, you unilaterally change the tempo.

When pelted with derogatory verbal arrows, you need more than just a thick skin; you need internal resilience. We cultivate this using a variety of situational awareness drills, breathing, self-defence and internal alignments to better withstand the pressure. Controlling the distance and adjusting your posture- you send a non-verbal message that you are neither a victim nor an aggressor. You must also observe the threat indicators and feel even micro fluctuations in intent.

Good listening skills are especially important. This is how you will gather information on what might be agitating the other party, as well their intentions and needs. Often, an emotionally distressed person needs to be heard; they may feel people aren't understanding what they're going through. They may also get provoked if interrupted- a simmering grievance becomes an all out eruption.

De-escalation also requires a high degree of mental agility- the ability to spot and evade an emotional tripwire before you've stepped on it. Aggression can be sparked by something as subtle as a change in intonation, a misplaced smirk, or a perceived jab at the ego.

On the street, criminals often get belligerent when they feel their power base has been threatened. Be careful using abrupt, commanding remarks, or those laced with disapproval or moral superiority if you want to calm down a twitchy individual- especially if they're armed. These are just some of the aggression triggers that may cause people to escalate to physical violence.

A masterful de-escalator doesn't just have the ability to read the room but also to sense how 'the room' may be reading you. What signals could be misread? What could you be conveying with your demeanour? Sometimes, you may have to adjust this, adapting as the situation unfolds.

In the most fraught encounters- some involving weapons; others just empty threats, calm neutrality has proven itself to be a potent tool. By dissolving hostility or diverting an aggressor's focus, I’ve seen potentially explosive clashes seemingly evaporate. It can sometimes seem effortless, which is that professional paradox - the more skilled the de-escalation; the more it looks like you've done nothing at all...

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Aran Dharmeratnam is a private security consultant, working in private investigations and risk intelligence. Aran is also the creator of Tri-Tier Method, coaching executives, families and organisations in self-protection and resilience.

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