Shabana Mahmood's big, beautiful policing reforms have her channeling Donald Trump

Everything is going to be beautiful, really beautiful. And it is not difficult to miss the irony in the rhetoric. Shabana says those who fail to reach the required standard in the police will be removed. Removed by those in Government who cannot be removed for failing to reach the required standard.

Sound bite after sound bite; this is ‘smashing the gangs’ on steroids! The new National Police Service will, I expect, end up being run with the same efficiency as the National Health Service. There will be more local bobbies on the beat to catch the naughty boys stealing from shops, as well as more joined up thinking to catch the really bad boys involved in international crime. All this as well as saving tons of money. It’s going to be so beautiful.

But what if a force is failing? No problem because the Government can fix it. Starmer will create ‘specialist turnaround teams’ of misfits and send in ‘experts’. If chief constables happen to be really rubbish, the Government will be able to force them to retire with a gold plated pension - similar to now. But to ensure the new National Police Service, as well as all the little local beautiful forces, succeed, Shabana will set targets, big targets. No problem there then. The Government will expect the highest standards from individual officers, and those who are unfit will be kicked out. The same rule will not apply to the Government.

Every police officer will be required to hold a new Licence to Practice, because completing a 20-minute online tick-box questionnaire will turn any officer into a lean, mean crime-detection machine. Cyber crime - 20 minutes - sorted. International money laundering - 20 minutes - sorted. Certificates of completion can be self-printed and hung on the office wall to prove competence.

The criminals may as well just give up now. Everyday crime will reduce because the government will guarantee it will. Yes, it’s a big, beautiful guarantee.

Police forces will also recruit the 'brightest and best’ from universities in a new recruitment drive to cut crime and catch more criminals. Why work for a large tech company after uni when you can join a new, beautiful police force for a little over minimum wage?

A new national centre on AI – Police.AI – will be set up to help the police do the work that they don’t know how to do. How many man hours will this save? Let’s settle on £6 million as this sounds an impressive figure. How to calculate Government’s savings? Ask AI.

For all the police officers who will no doubt suffer trauma and mental illness as a result of these proposed changes, don’t worry, Sir Keir has your back. The government will roll out a dedicated Mental Health Crisis Line so you can talk to other mentally affected ex-police officers about the state of the system. ‘Trauma tracker software’, I kid you not, will be made available to support staff and intervene at an earlier stage. How exactly it will intervene unless you tell it to is another question - but AI is very clever.

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Marcus Johnstone is Managing Director of PCD Solicitors, a law firm specialising in criminal defence representation for those accused of sexual offences.

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