Summer holidays exposed the uncomfortable truth: I was making our family arguments worse

By Rachel Johnson

One child was refusing to get dressed, another had disappeared behind a screen. Before I knew it, I was doing exactly what I'd spent years helping families avoid as a teacher: raising my voice and trying to win an argument nobody was ever going to win.

That was the moment I realised something uncomfortable. It wasn't just the children escalating these rows. I was too.

Because summer doesn't create difficult children. It simply exposes the communication habits families fall into when everyone is tired, together all day and routines disappear – here's what to do instead.

When it comes to summer rows, we assume the problem is what we're arguing about. The screen time. The bedtime. The "you never listen to me" accusations. Actually, the subject of the row is rarely the real issue. The real issue is how we're arguing – and most of us, parents and children alike, fall into the same handful of traps without even noticing.

I call these Argument Traps. They're not about being a bad parent or a badly behaved child. They're just what any of us do when emotion takes over from calm, and once you can spot them, you can start avoiding them.

The traps we all fall into

Some of these will feel painfully familiar, especially when we're sharing more space with our children and the usual routine of school has gone.

Insisting we're right.We might even quietly see their point, but backing down feels like losing, so we dig in instead.

Talking over each other.The moment we stop listening and start waiting for our turn to speak, the row escalates like a match onto petrol.

Half-listening while we plan our comeback. Our face says "I'm listening" while the brain is drafting its next point. That's listening to respond, not to understand, and children can tell the difference immediately.

Going silent. Whether it's a parent's icy "we'll discuss this later" or a teenager's slammed door, blanking someone mid-disagreement rarely calms things down. It just makes the other person feel invisible, and the row simmers rather than resolves.

Saying something you don't mean, just to win. Words linger far longer than the moment that produced them, and they only add fuel to the fire.

Physical signals of contempt. The eye-roll, the sigh, the turned back. We "emotionally leak" through our faces, and nothing says I have zero respect for what you're saying quite as effectively as a well-timed eye-roll.

Letting the row grow.It starts as "you left your dirty clothes everywhere again" and ends as a ten-item list of grievances going back to half-term. Once an argument expands beyond its original subject, it rarely goes well for anyone.

If you recognise your own household in even three or four of these, don't worry, so would most families. The point isn't to feel guilty. It's to notice and alter what we're doing so we can resolve arguments healthily.

Four things that actually help

The good news is that disagreeing well is a skill, not a personality trait, and it can be taught to children and adults alike.

1. Build in the pause. Some research suggests it takes around 90 seconds for the body to move from an angry, activated state back to something calmer. That's not long, but in the moment it can feel impossible, which is exactly why it's worth practising as a family habit rather than relying on willpower mid-argument.

2. Swap "you" for "I". "You never listen to me" invites a fight. "I felt really unheard just then" invites a conversation. It's a small shift that changes almost everything about how the other person responds.

3. Show them you've heard. Once your child has spoken, play back what you've heard: "What I think I heard you say is... is that right?" Sometimes we argue over something that was never actually said, only assumed, and this helps us see what's really going on.

4. Encourage apologies. Saying sorry isn't easy, but it leads to repair. A genuine apology has several parts: regret, an explanation, acknowledging responsibility, saying sorry, offering repair, and asking for forgiveness. Taking responsibility and offering repair seem to matter most. Modelling this resolves far more tension than any lecture.

Why this matters more than the row itself

None of this means arguments disappear. Families argue, that's not a failure, it's just what happens when people who love each other live in close quarters with differing views on volume, mess, and how much screen time is "enough." What changes when you spot the traps isn't whether you disagree, but whether disagreeing damages the relationship or strengthens it.

Children who learn to disagree well don't just have calmer summer holidays. They carry that skill into friendships, into their first workplace disagreements, into every relationship they'll ever have. It's worth teaching now, while the stakes are still a missed bedtime rather than something bigger.

So next time a row starts brewing over screen time or fairness, see if you can catch yourself before the eye-roll and the escalation.

Rachel Johnson is the author of Connected: Focusing on 'me' and 'we', CEO of school leadership network, PiXL and a former teacher and school leader.