Alot of hot air

8 July 2017, 21:19 | Updated: 8 July 2017, 21:24


Mrs May arrived in Hamburg for the prestigious G-20 Summit and Street Riot.

This meeting sees the leaders of the top 20 nations, as voted for by the readers of What Country magazine, to fly in to Hamburg on their enormous, highly polluting, taxpayer funded planes, at great cost to the environment with the kind of entourage that the rapper Diddy Diddy Puff Dog would expect, to discuss very important things that they presumably can't talk about for nothing over the phone.

It is a good job that they are not going there to discuss climate change, because that would be ridiculous.

In other news: they ARE going there to talk about climate change!

Mrs M flew into the north German city of sin, along with her husband Phillip, and her chancellor, Phillip Hammond.

I get that she took her chancellor; he would have important things to say to people who only speak English as a foreign language but are fully conversant with the international language of money.

But why did the husband have to tag along?

He's going to get stuck with the wives and sent to look at displays on traditional German lederhosen manufacture and taken on shopping trips for Teutonic knick-knacks.

Mr M is a city insider and executive at a financial institution that controls £1.4 trillion in assets.

The other male spouse of the assembled world leaders is Mr Angela Merkel, who is a professor of quantum chemistry, whatever that means.

What are they going to have in common with Melania Trump, apart from not wanting to sleep with Donald?

Why do they get the spouses to come along to an international business meeting, like WAGS to a football tournament?

The chief executive of a company doesn't take their other half to a work conference.

They are expected to able to cope for a day without them. Plus why hire a totally hot secretary when you are dragging the spouse along for the trip?

And if you pictured that as a male boss availing himself of his lovely female secretary, that is on you, because I was at great pains not to mention gender in that scenario, because women can be manipulative sexist pigs too you know.

At the meeting, Theresa May said would be championing free trade. She said that with a straight face, which must have taken some doing, even for a robot.

The woman who wants to extricate us, with great vengeance, from the biggest free trade bloc on earth wants to champion free trade.

If I had made that up, you wouldn't have believed me.

The other thing she said that she wanted to push for was tougher action on terrorism.

This is also odd coming from a person that has just given a billion pounds to a political party with connections to terrorism in Northern Ireland, and who signs massive arms deals with Saudi Arabia, the place that has terrorism as one of its two greatest exports.

Over here, the British press are helpfully describing the PM as a wounded animal and a diminished figure on the world stage.

Asked if she thought other leaders would pay attention to her, given that a vet would have put her out of her misery weeks ago, the Premier said: 'Yes. We will be playing our absolute full part and I will be playing my full part.'

So, nothing robotic about that then.

She said that we will playing our absolute full part and she will be playing her full part absolutely, her part will be absolute and full and she will absolutely be playing her part fully and absolutely.

She then went into stand-by mode to conserve her batteries.