Clearing up a few loose ends

15 September 2018, 21:12 | Updated: 15 September 2018, 21:15


This week, two Kremlin-sponsored Novichok assassins were ridiculed after claiming to have been ordinary tourists, or… two completely innocent metrosexuals have been caught up in an international storm after going on holiday together – why can't two men simply enjoy each other’s company in their private rented bedroom without everyone calling their sexuality into question?

The men, Ruslan Boshirov and Alexander Petrov claimed to have had nothing to do with the poisoning and were instead victims of a “fantastical fatal coincidence”.

They said of Salisbury, “Our friends had been suggesting for a long time that we visit this wonderful town.”

Then, giving a little bit too much information, added: “There’s the famous Salisbury cathedral. It’s famous not only in Europe, but in the whole world. It’s famous for its 123 metre-spire. It’s famous for its clock, one of the first ever created in the world that’s still working,”

That is an impressively factual account that, coincidentally, closely resembles the Russian-language Wikipedia entry about Salisbury.

Despite being so keen on Salisbury, and visiting it twice, they declined to actually stay there but rented a hotel room 127 miles away in East London.

They also did not take any pictures of that wonderful city or cathedral, as tourists might have done, preferring to commit it to memory.

They also claimed that they tried but failed to get to nearby Stonehenge, even though a bus was running to there from outside the railway station they arrived at.

The men also claimed they had to cut short their trip because the snow was up to their knees in Salisbury, but while it had indeed been snowing there in the days before they arrived, the pavements were clear by the time they got there.

Intrigue piled on confusion when it was revealed the pair had booked two alternative return flights from London to Moscow, giving them the option of leaving on Sunday or Monday, and when they finally departed, they did so without the luggage that they had arrived in the country with.

There are many unanswered questions regarding the two men's behaviour, so to help clear matters up, I am pleased to provide a transcript of Ruslan and Alexander's televised interview with Russia Today (RT) which they willingly agreed to do, when they were told that Vladimir Putin insisted on it.


RT: What about the Novichok found in your hotel room?

R&A: Oh that – that was not Novichok, that was new scent for men who like take holidays with each other from favourite western designer called Poison...not actual poison, is just a name...smell very nice...manly, like President Putin


RT: Why did you decide to stay in East London to visit Salisbury?

R&A: Ah that's easy - Russian satnav. Is big problem getting anywhere in Russia – nobody knows where they are or how to get to where they're not.


RT: You complained about the snow but there did not seem to be any when you were there.

R&A: That's easy too – we were not complaining about the snow in Sal-is-bury, we were complaining is not enough snow. We Russian, we like snow, hate warm weather - warm weather make you weak and fat like your Boris bike person

RT: It is said that you were filmed travelling in the wrong direction for visiting the cathedral and that you did not actually go there.

R&A: Once again, is Russian satnav failure – I swear, I will kill person who invented it – not actual kill of course but pretend – we having fun yes?


RT: You said you wanted to visit Stonehenge saying the bus tours were cancelled but they were not cancelled that day.

R&A: Well, is good thing we did not go because is just some stones, who cares?


RT: What about the two return flights and the missing luggage?

R&A: Well, is always best to have multiple exit possibilities from Sal-is-bury because is quite boring and as for no luggage on way home – well, we used all the Novichok so we left empty case – simple – now can we go please? This whole area is probably contaminated.