Steve Allen 4am - 7am
6 January 2018, 20:54 | Updated: 6 January 2018, 20:56
Poor Donny is grumpy. He needs a Farley's Rusk and a rattle.
A nasty man has been saying nasty things and the leader of the free world is in a huff.
If it were just the book Fire and Fury, that looks likely to save struggling book shops the whole world over, it might be bearable.
His side could say that it is simply a collection of tittle-tattle and lies written to make money from the boffo box office that is Donald Trump.
The President could refute the suggestions contained within its pages that he is incompetent and not bright enough for the post by tweeting that he is “like, really smart”.
And that is exactly what he did.
He added that his, like, smartness is one of his two greatest assets, the other being his mental stability.
Any suggestion to the contrary was a hoax on the American public and that “the Democrats and their lapdogs, the Fake News Mainstream Media, are taking out the old Ronald Reagan playbook and screaming mental stability and intelligence”.
Probably not the best example to highlight. Ronald's own son said that his father had Alzheimer’s while in office and Reagan was formally diagnosed with the disease in 1994.
A real, like, smart person would have picked a better example.
Unfortunately for all of us who live in Donny's world, it is not just the ramblings of the current President and the book of the year that suggests we have a problem.
To paraphrase, she thinks he is out of his tiny orange mind.
Dr Bandy X. Lee, a name I am not making up, believes that the President is 'unravelling' and that he poses a 'public health risk' by being in office.
She is an expert on violence, but there is no proof that Trump is predisposed to aggressive outbursts.
Well, there were the tweet-storms against other world leaders and fellow politicians and celebrities and models and sports people and the threat to punch a dissenter in the face and saying that others should be roughed up, and the time when he told a rally to “knock the crap out of” anyone objecting at his rallies, and that he would pay for the assailant's legal fees, and when said he loved the old days when protesters would be carried out on a stretcher.
But apart from that there's no evidence that he is violent.
In December last year, Dr Lee gave a presentation in Congress on why Trump's presidency was an 'emergency' to a group of Democrats and one Republican senator who was presumably lost and couldn't locate the exit.
She said 'From a medical perspective, when we see someone unravelling like this, it's an emergency.'
Lee told the New York Daily News. 'We've never come so close in my career to this level of catastrophic violence that could be the end of humankind.'
She might have been referring to Trump's boast about his nuclear button, which, like everything else about him, he insists is the biggest.
He has boasted that he has the biggest buildings and big genitals and a big nuclear arsenal and it is the latter that is verifiably true.
America does have the world's biggest nuclear arsenal and Trump can set it off at a moment's notice, for instance in a fit of pique if Melania swats his hand away again.
There is no button on desk, as he claimed. The launch procedure involves a briefcase called the “football” that is attached to a man who follows the President everywhere he goes.
If Kim Jong-un calls him fatty, Trump can beckon the man over and enter the codes that are delivered to him every day.
These codes are what they call “the biscuit”.
Donny has been told not to eat the biscuit.
For security reasons, the biscuit has several fake codes, so the President has to memorise which are the correct ones.
And that is where things get a lot more comfortable for all of us without access to a fall-out shelter.
The chances of him recalling something like that are pretty slim.
We can all relax now.
He probably couldn't remember where he left his bottom.