Making America Grate Again

21 January 2017, 20:44 | Updated: 21 January 2017, 20:48


In the National Mall during Obama's inauguration you couldn’t see the grass for people.

For the inauguration of Donald Trump, it was occupied by six old white people, who had arrived hoping he might be giving out hats.

When Obama was sworn in you could barely get into Washington, when Trump was sworn in you could have landed a 747 on the Mall and not hit anyone.

Trump spent the morning being introduced to the staff at the Whitehouse - "Jose, you're fired; Manuel, you're fired; Rosita, you're fired; James, you can stay...great guy."

At the Capitol Building the ex-Presidents gathered to be insulted by the man of the hour.

The higher-ups of the Republican Party came in, led by House Speaker Paul Ryan who had the smile of man who thinks it's really going to be HIM in charge and not the giant Tangerine Scream that lumbered in behind him.

Trump came in like Al Capone, swaying from side to side like he was entering a deserted factory to torture some business associate who had displeased him.

His tie was knotted so that it ended around his knees, a giant red arrow which pointed to where he would want us to believe his Donaldhood ends. He has "no problem" in that department, he guarantees it.

His wife was wearing a reinforced powder-blue suit of armour, in case Trump got any ideas and decided to give her a grab when he got bored.

Meanwhile, a short distance away, protestors were hurling stones at McDonald's which is the international sign that they have run out of McFlurries.

The 45th President of the United States was sworn in with the look of someone who would rather be cheating at golf, or picking a Twitter fight with Meryl Streep.

Taking the microphone, he name checked the previous presidents who were lined up behind him: President Bush, President Carter, President Clinton, President Obama.

He did this to get their attention so that they would not miss the part of his speech about them all being terrible and unable to do their job, not like he can, because he is very smart and successful.

Worst presidents ever…SAD!

He spoke like he was still campaigning. He said that under his leadership "we will rebuild America and restore its promise", as though he was taking over a broken down car and not a country that had been run by the people behind him.

They had to stay there and take it, while staring at the Mobius Strip of gold coloured nylon that almost covers the back of his head.

He said this moment belongs to all the people gathered here, which by that time amounted to three people on the Mall, one of whom thought it was a line for free soup.

He said January 20 2017 will be remembered as the day the people became the rulers of the country again. Again? Since when have the people been the rulers of the country? Any country?

And how likely is it that a cabinet of billionaires will make that happen. The super-rich don’t seem to be the kind of people that like to give up power.

On guns and gangs he said this American carnage ends now…and in Chicago they stopped shooting each other for five minutes and fired into the sky in celebration.

He said, "we will put America first, we need protection from other countries stealing our jobs, America will start winning again, like never before.

We will bring back our wealth, our borders and our dreams

We will eradicate Muslim terrorism from the face of the earth, we will protected by the military and the police and most importantly we will be protected by God.

He knows God. God asked him for a loan just last week. Great guy.

He said the time for empty talk is over, the time for empty tweeting is here.

He said we stand at the start of a new millennium - just 17 years out there Donald but let's not get bogged down in facts.

And to all Americans he said, "you will not be ignored again…now get out of the way, my gold carriage awaits to take me to my gold lift that opens directly into my gold apartment.