Andrew Castle 7am - 10am
Married to the Moron
22 October 2017, 01:08 | Updated: 22 October 2017, 01:14
Here's a sentence that has been rarely uttered: Ed Miliband is right, the President of the United States of America IS an absolute moron.
We have Donald Trump to thank for turning the normally reserved and taciturn ex-Labour leader into a Twitter troll.
Ancient Orange saw a report on his favourite Fox TV news show, which took a moment between singing hymns of praise to the President to alert its readers that Britainland was experiencing a rise in crime.
Armed with no further information of any kind whatsoever, Trump went straight to his phone to Tweet that it was all the fault of Islamic extremists.
Trump just lobs these bones out of the window so that the press will keep what he says at the top of the bulletins and concentrate less on his abject failure in the job.
It is a simple plan that is working wonders. I bet that he gets re-elected simply on the basis that he is a giant distraction machine.
Like a street mugger he waves one tiny hand in front of your face while picking your pocket with the other, all the while keeping up a stream of inane verbosity that could turn a windmill.
Other British politicians took turns to pause from their busy schedule to heap scorn on a man that only accepts praise and flattery and vows vengeance on those that do not deliver it.
There goes the special relationship. It was not going to last under his administration. The most special relationship Trump has is with the beautiful orange god he sees in the mirror.
From the looks of it, he doesn't even seem to have much of a relationship with his current wife.
She flicks his hand away, shows little affection, remains emotionless in his presence and spends just enough time by his side to make it look like a contractual obligation.
Or does she?
The evidence they used was footage of Trump last week as he addressed the media about hurricane relief for Puerto Rico, or as he pronounced it: Poo-rey-tow Reeee-co.
The First Lady stood at his shoulder, silent and unmoving, her stiff features hidden by a pair of enormous black sunglasses.
They were so big you could have used them as a windscreen on a bus.
He said, “This really is my wife, she's not barricaded in her room, refusing to come out. She's a tremendous wife, she's the best wife in the world, I can tell you that, at least until someone better comes along, which should be any day by my count – how old are you now dear?”
That is fake news, I made that up. He actually referred to 'My wife, Melania, who happens to be right here', as though she would have been invisible had he not pointed her out.
So, the question is: Is Melania using a body double?
And the correct (fake) answer is: only in bed.