Maybe Vlad made him an offer he couldn't refuse

21 July 2018, 20:51 | Updated: 21 July 2018, 20:57

During his hallucinatory press conference with the Russian President, Putin slouched in his chair and Donny perched on the edge of his, filling the air with noise, while Vlad made no attempt to look anything other than bored.

He didn't even acknowledge the flattery love-bombs that Trump was lobbing his way.

It seemed like we were intruding on a couple's relationship therapy session, where one partner was yearning for affection, while the other was mentally packing his suitcase and leaving a note on the mantelpiece.

If Donald Trump really is in the pocket of the Russian Premier, this is what it would look like.

A compromised US leader would side with the Russian over his own security community and would warm to the idea that Russia be allowed to interrogate accused Russian agents, on behalf of America, in order to assess whether they were guilty of spying on the US.

In return the Russians would get to interrogate American officials they deemed unfriendly.

Trump was impressed by what he called this “incredible offer”.

Great idea, really tremendous, very generous, thank you.

Immediately after that press conference, even ordinarily spineless Republicans said damning things about their man, so Trump informed the press that he had got it wrong and apologised.

Just kidding, he blamed the media for writing down what he had said verbatim and printing it in their papers.

He wheeled out the hits that he repeats when he is at one of his safe-space rallies:

'The Fake News Media is going Crazy! They make up stories without any backup, sources or proof. Many of the stories written about me, and the good people surrounding me, are total fiction. Problem is, when you complain you just give them more publicity. But I'll complain anyway!', he wrote on Twitter.

Maybe it's his genius for misdirection, or maybe he's just flailing his arms in frustration that he can't just have journalists silenced like Putin does, but for a man who lies on record at an average of ten times a day, and who always quotes unnamed sources to back up his lies, that's a bit rich.

How many times have you heard him say something like – “a lot of people are saying...”, or “everybody thinks that...”, in order to back up some bizarre assertion?

It's ALL unnamed sources with him, because he just makes it up and then hushes people when they question him on detail.

This is another tweet - 'The Fake News Media wants so badly to see a major confrontation with Russia, even a confrontation that could lead to war. They are pushing so recklessly hard and hate the fact that I'll probably have a good relationship with Putin. We are doing MUCH better than any other country!'

What does that mean, “We are doing better than any other country”?

Better in what way, where's the proof, where's the source, what's he talking about?

And the idea that the media would prefer World War III rather than write something positive about Trump's relationship with the man who is trying to destabilise the US demonstrates a vaunting narcissism and a wide streak of victimhood.

Psychiatrists could have a field day. They'd need a bigger couch.

He also tweeted - 'The Summit with Russia was a great success, except with the real enemy of the people, the Fake News Media. I look forward to our second meeting so that we can start implementing some of the many things discussed, including stopping terrorism, security for Israel, nuclear........'.

The “enemy of the people” line, is lesson one in dictator school.

As for the meeting - we have no idea what they talked about because on Trump's insistence, no one else was present except the translator.

No records, no recordings, no notes.

What's suspicious about that?

At the press conference and photo call, they resembled two Mafia Dons – Don Vladimir “Snake-eyes” Putin and Don Donny “Wide-boy” Trump.

Between them it looked like they were carving up the world for themselves, in secret.

It also looked like Putin was Michael Corleone, the boss of bosses, and Donny was the dim-witted thug that runs the poor end of town and is careful not to step on Snake-eyes' territory for fear of being rowed out to the middle of a lake, like Fredo.

In that classic scene from The Godfather, he famously insisted – “I'm smart. Not like everybody says, like dumb.”

Ring any bells?