Peace man attacks
26 May 2018, 20:57 | Updated: 26 May 2018, 21:04
The committee can relax. They can put the Nobel Peace Prize back in the cupboard. There will be a short interval before the embarrassment of Donald Trump accepting it, as the historic meeting between him and the North Korean leader is on hold.
I have no doubt he will get it. He seems to able to get anything he wants. He wanted to be rich and have sex with supermodels, and despite his chronic inability as a deal maker and businessman and his obvious and vast physical impediments, he has done exactly that.
He wanted to be able to wander unimpeded through the changing rooms at the Miss Universe contest, he wanted to have sex with his friend's wives and he wanted to be the world's most powerful man to wreak vengeance on anyone that has crossed him, and he got all that too.
Who would bet on him not getting the Nobel Peace Prize that his gap-toothed, hollering fans are chanting for him to receive?
He said: It will be the biggest Nobel Prize ever, in gold with diamonds, better than anyone else's Nobel Prize I can tell you that, a lot of people say I should get it and I could take that big beautiful peace prize and smash Kim Jong-un over the head with it to Make America Great Again.
Or something like that.
At the moment though, that is on hold as the president has had a change of heart.
He changes his mind as often as he changes TV channels.
North Korea is furious. They said that, with great respect, America should get back to them once they elect a leader who is not a clueless tubby ball of lard with a bad haircut.
Donald Trump replied that he has a huge weapon, it's the biggest and hardest weapon anyone has ever seen and he hopes he doesn't have to use it.
The problem started when the American Vice President, that lukewarm glass of milk and the world's whitest person, Mike Pence went on television and stated that the outcome of the meeting that the Trump government was looking at for North Korea, unless it got everything it wanted, was the Libyan model.
This reiterated the thought expressed by the current, though no doubt soon to be fired, extravagantly moustachioed National Security Advisor John Bolton, who said that the US was seeking the Libyan model in its efforts to denuclearise the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
The Libyan model, for those with short memories, or who can not be bothered to look it up, started with a US led invasion and ended with the Libyan leader tortured, mutilated and dead.
The reason Kim Jong-un built those nuclear weapons in the first place was to avoid exactly that scenario, so it looks very much like the Americans deliberately torpedoed the summit.
Why would they do that, after the DPRK had been making nice?
There might be two reasons. The first is that the meaning of the word ‘denuclearisation’ might be as difficult to define as it is to say.
The Americans think it means getting rid of all of Kim’s nuclear weapons.
The Koreans think it means that they will not test any more nuclear weapons. They blew up their testing facility to show good faith.
To be fair to the US, that is not much of a concession – how many times do you need to test a bomb? You press a button and it goes bang.
You can't test all the bombs, as they will all explode and you will have no more bombs. At some point, even a country that is run by a madman will have to say that those weapons have been tested enough.
The second reason for the Americans blowing up the peace process might be that powerful forces in the administration, and possibly even the great deal maker himself, realise that the last thing that Donald Trump is prepared for is meeting the head of a nuclear state, one on one, with only an interpreter as company, as it might not have the best outcome.
Trump is a man whose idea of negotiation is to fall to the floor and scream and whine 'till he gets his way.
This works if the other party is a grown-up. When two toddlers go at it, it could rapidly escalate to a shouting match and the world would be a charred cinder by the time the tea arrives.
Maybe Trump recognises his limitations and holed the meeting under the waterline to get out of going through with something he knows he is incapable of pulling off.
Just kidding – he thinks he is the most fabulous and effective leader any country ever had, so perhaps he crashed the summit by accident.
It does not really matter to him though, peace is not something that Trump's fans will respond to.
Trump's whole routine is to stoke fear in his supporters – Mexicans will rape you, Hillary will take your guns, the deep state is spying on you, the security services are against you, the liberals want to take your freedom.
A successful peace accord doesn't really fit into his act.
His fans don't want peace, they want war. Any war will do, it doesn't really matter who with, just as long as they get to watch some “bad hombres” getting killed on the news.
The human race seems to have taken a wrong turn along the way.
We were going pretty well for a while there, but if aliens from space landed and asked to be taken to our leader, after some prevarication, we would be forced to introduce them to Nobel Peace Prize contender Donald Trump.
How embarrassing is that?