Please speak directly into the toaster

19 March 2017, 01:09 | Updated: 19 March 2017, 01:16


I was beginning to miss him.

It had been almost a week since Donald Trump had said something un-presidential on the internet

Twitter seemed such a sane place without him, and then he broke cover by spewing up the allegation that he just found out he was being secretly wiretapped in his gold tower by the non-American Muslim terrorist from Kenya, his presidential predecessor, Obak Arama


He heard about it on some right-wing shock jocks' radio show, which was totally NOT fake news because Donald Trump believed it.


That is the difference between fake news and real news: whether the Screaming MeMe in the Whitehouse thinks it is true.


After his Tweet landed, Obama's people said he didn't do it, the FBI said he didn't do it, the CIA said he didn't do it and Homeland Security said he didn't do it.


For all I know, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy said he didn't do it, but Donald Trump is not swayed by experts and their so-called facts.


He is a man who has never heard the word "no" and never said the word "sorry", so he sent out his messengers to explain that when he said that Obama had "wiretapped" him, he didn't mean wiretapped, what on earth gave anyone that idea?


He actually meant that Obama had been listening in on him through his household implements, including but not limited to, his television, through which he hears voices, and his light switches and his microwave oven.


He actually had his top spokesperson, the wicked witch of the West Wing, Kellyanne Conway, appear on TV news to say that the government spies on people by putting cameras in their microwaves.


If they did, what they would mostly get is film of people shouting at them to hurry up.


I would like to see the footage of the camera that is installed in his hair-dryer. Then we might see where the hair comes from and where it goes to.


My bet is that it's one twenty foot long strand that's been woven into that candy-floss cloud that hovers above his head like a hair drone.


When people thought that accusation was silly and that the American government would find much better hiding places for secret Donald Trump camera recorders than a microwave, he did not back down and say that he had miss-spoken because he had been inhaling wig glue fumes.


In fact, he doubled down, dug his tiny heels in and said that Britain had helped Obama to spy on him.


He knows that to be true because he heard about it from some conspiracy theorist on Fox News. He thinks we British had sicked our security services on him and have been bugging his trousers or his chicken wings or his swan shaped solid gold bath taps, which he said was illegal and a disgrace.


It would be disgraceful and illegal if it was true but it isn't. Britain's diplomats went very quietly berserk.


There then followed a collector's item: for possibly the first and last time, Donald Trump sent someone to very nearly apologise for his outburst.


He got that angry yappy-dog of a press secretary Sean Spicer to almost say sorry for him, while Trump himself said he had done nothing wrong and he was merely repeating what he had heard on television.


He will reciting the weather forecast in Tucson next.


Britain's spy chiefs at GCHQ, said that the allegations were utterly ridiculous and should be ignored.


You could say that about the President himself - he's utterly ridiculous and we should ignore him, but unfortunately for the next four years, we can't.