22 April 2017, 20:51 | Updated: 22 April 2017, 20:55


The United Nations is worried. Having read their latest report, now I am worried too. Let me tell you all about it, so that you don't miss out on the rising tide of panic.

The UN has warned that the risk of a nuclear war breaking out is at its highest ever point,

They say it is because the likelihood of a catastrophic error has never been greater.

It is a good job our world leaders are grounded sensible people, with stable temperaments, and are not prone to rash judgement.

According to a report by the UN's Institute for Disarmament Research, complex automated systems could malfunction and start a chain of events which could kill millions of people.

I have seen that film and it doesn't end well unless you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, when you get to return for MUCH more money in the sequels.

The whole point of a nuclear deterrent is just that - it is a deterrent. We are not supposed to use it.

Countries spend many billions of pounds to arm themselves to the teeth with weapons that can wipe out everything, except cockroaches and Keith Richards, so that they never have to use them.

This makes sense on paper. What also makes sense is that everything tends to go wrong eventually. Sometimes things go wrong all the time. Just ask passengers on Southern Rail.

The UN document says: 'Nuclear deterrence works—up until the time it will prove not to work. The risk is inherent and, when luck runs out, the results will be catastrophic.'

I have just looked up the word "catastrophic" in a dictionary and it has nothing to do with kittens.

The problem is that the systems that connect all those nuclear bombs have been made by humans. As you will know, if you ever met a human, they should not be allowed to walk a dog without supervision, let alone construct something on which the survival of Planet Earth depends.

The UN report says that the interconnectedness of the systems mean that one error could very quickly be magnified, and warns of the risk of 'accident, misunderstanding or inadvertent escalation'.

This scenario includes the President of the United States of America mistaking the nuke button for the television remote.

Its report states: 'The complex interactions and tightly coupled systems linked to nuclear arsenals (like those for early warning, and launch command and control) have made "accidental war" more likely.'

And so has having a giant, orange, thin-skinned baby in the White House.

Speaking of which, now that the Screaming MeMe has a taste for warfare, the likelihood of the USA arming itself with nuclear-enabled drones is a further reason to be fearful.

Drones are going to deliver pizza and could also deliver the end of Mankind as we know it.

Total global annihilation in 30 minutes, or your money back.