Why aren't his pants on fire?

4 August 2018, 20:44 | Updated: 4 August 2018, 20:48


The investigation into Trump's Russia ties must be, for him, like sitting in a room with the walls closing in.

His defence against the charges of colluding with the Russians to swing the vote his way has morphed from...I don't know any Russians, to: I had no contact with Russians even though I did know some, to: OK, we met them a few times but it was about adopting children, to: all right, there might have been some information offered but I didn't take it, to: Ok, maybe I colluded but so what, colluding with a foreign state to influence an American election isn't even a crime!

Even he must know that's a bit of a stretch, legally speaking, so Ancient Orange got grumpy and had to scramble off to his safe space, which is on-stage at one of his demented rallies.

These are the unhinged events in Republican strongholds, where he rambles on about whatever generates applause, which he laps up like he's impersonating Mussolini – chin up, chest out, inflated like a balloon.

He doles out his phoney I'm-one-of-you rhetoric like he throws out those Make America Great Again hats, which are the only Trump products that are actually made in America.

He yodels on about how tremendous he is and how unfairly he is treated to the white conspiracy nuts and the gullible yeeha's who came to hear the hits: it was the greatest win of any president ever, I beat Hillary, there were millions of illegal votes, huge inauguration crowd, lock her up, dictators are great people, the media are the enemies of the people, tax cuts for the rich, Vladimir Putin is a close personal stranger, Mexicans are rapists, gonna build a wall.

As well as repeating the content of all his previous rallies, this time, he went on about meeting the Queen - he told the rally in Pennsylvania that his  first official trip last month was a 'beautiful, beautiful visit'.

He said, 'I have great respect for the UK - the United Kingdom. Great respect. People call it "Britain", they call it "Great Britain". They used to call it "England", different parts. But the UK - great respect.'

I have quoted him verbatim, which he would deem very unfair, totally not fair, SAD!

He said, “So, I go to England, which is in London, not a lot of people know that and I'm there for the Queen OK...so what?...she's nothing special...and she's very nice, awful person, very small, and I'd say about a “three”, not hot like my daughter...have you seen Ivanka? You know, if I wasn’t her father… And so I say to the Queen, what do you think of Donald Trump? And she says he's late, which is fake news, so I'm  looking at the men with the big hats, kind of stupid if you ask me, they all wore the same hats, like it’s a parade or something...and we're racing and she gets left behind because I'm very athletic, not like the Queen who is a very low energy person, and I totally won that race and then we had a meeting which was a great meeting and a huge meeting, a lot of people tell me that it was the greatest meeting anyone ever had with the Queen of London and I say where's the King? Donald Trump wants to meet the man of the castle, why is Donald Trump getting parked with the wife? And she didn't get it, I mean, she's not that smart, trust me, and I said do you know Scotlandland, which I own, and she'd never even heard of it, which is frankly embarrassing for her country, so I won that meeting and all the people cheered, they said “booo”, which is how they greet important people in London, which is very nice by the way, worst city ever, I hated it, we launch missiles at noon.”

OK, I made that up – he didn't say that, but I can't confirm that he didn't think it, so that makes it true.

Trump actually did say that the 'fake, fake, disgusting news' was responsible for lying about his meeting with the Queen by saying that he kept her waiting, whereas , it was the Queen who kept HIM waiting.

He said: ''I landed, I'm on the ground and I'm waiting with the King's and the Queen's guards, wonderful people. I'm waiting. I was about 15 minutes early and I'm waiting with my wife and that's fine. Hey, it's the Queen, right? We can wait. But I'm a little early.'

'So here was the story by the fake news: The president was 15 minutes late for the Queen. Wrong.'

He has high standards when it comes to reporting the facts, so let's examine what we know from the live television coverage of the event.

Trump's helicopter landed in the castle grounds at about 4:50, for a royal meeting at 5 o'clock.

It takes about five minutes for him to unstrap himself from his seat, make his way down the very scary steps, without Theresa May there to hold his hand, and lumber over to his car.

Then another five minutes to be driven at walking pace to where the Queen was waiting which takes it to exactly 5 o'clock when he got out of the car and greeted Her Majesty at 5.01.

There was no 15 minute wait, he lied about that, and by his own exacting standards, that makes HIM fake, fake, disgusting news, but at least that's not a crime.

He's guilty of lying, but that won't send him to jail.

Not that particular lie, anyway.