1 July 2017, 20:54
Did you hear the one about the England v Germany football match?
No, not that one, the one they played last week?
I know what you are thinking. You're thinking what England v Germany football match?
You probably thought that footballists were safely on a break from falling to the ground feigning injury and spitting when they miss a shot on goal, or spitting when they accidentally pass the ball to the opposing side, or spitting when they come off worse in a tackle, or spitting for any other reason whatsoever, all of the time. It must be exhausting.
You probably thought that they were on what seems like the brief six day holiday between the end of the last season and the start of the next.
You might have imagined that they would be getting a tattoo top-up, having discovered, while posing for selfies, a part of their anatomy that doesn't have any ink on it.
You might think they would be busy selecting some phony Celtic scribble or misspelled Latin phrase to get stabbed into them that they think means "win at all costs" but actually says "shop at Costco"
You probably thought that footballists were busy boinking a selection of bubble headed, blond, tanned and desperate lovelies at a hotel in Dubai before uploading the footage they have taken of their efforts onto YouTube.
But no - there was an actual international football tournament going on this month. The reason you didn't hear about it is because it is an Under 21 tournament. That's not an under 21 IQ tournament, it refers to their age.
Guess what is the average age of the England Under 21 football team....go on, guess, I double dare you.
If you said 20, that would be the smart guess. Twenty is the oldest that a player could be and still be under 21, so it makes sense that the team would be made up of the oldest and most experienced players available.
But their average age is not 20 - no, the average age of the England Under 21 football team is...22.
That's actually true - I am not making that up.
And so this week, the 22 year old England team actually reached the semi-finals of the Euro Under 21 competition, which is a great achievement.
They probably got that far because they did not have to play any serious competition until they reached the semi-final stage, when, as though history is stuck like the needle in a record, they had to face Germany.
And even if you do not know the score, you will probably be preparing yourself to be sick as a parrot.
Yes, it went to penalties, and yes they bloomin' well beat us AGAIN.
The England manager announced that he was gutted.
"I'm absolutely gutted", said Aidy Boothroyd, who is the real manager of the Under 21 team, and not just a comedy northern name I made up
He used to manage Watford, so he knows a lot about losing football matches.
Aidy explained that not only was he gutted, but that he was also sick, which is medically not possible.
Germany will, of course, play Spain in the final on the 30th of June, and all eyes in this country will be firmly looking at something else. Anything else.
We would rather look at the Parliament Channel than see our twin nemeses share in the glory of another major football tournament final without us, dammit.