Donny does diplomacy

21 May 2017, 01:09 | Updated: 21 May 2017, 01:13


Donald Trump is taking a break from his very important golfing duties, and the vital business of leaking secrets to the Russians, to head off on his first, and perhaps last foreign trip as President.

For this outing, he is travelling to a select few of the countries that he has insulted on Twitter.

He's going to Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. What could possibly go wrong?

If you had to put together a list of the places that it is possible to screw up in, those three would be right at the top.

He insulted Saudi Arabia by saying during the election campaign that Hillary Clinton wanted to open the borders and "let the Muslims flood in". He demanded that the Saudis give America free oil or he wouldn't protect their aeroplanes and said they were "nothing but mouth pieces, bullies, cowards. They have the money but no guts".

He should hope that Twitter is as popular in Riyadh as women's rights.

After Saudi Arabia, he is getting a direct flight to Israel. This is not normally possible. They do not like each other much and planes do not fly between the two states for fear of the transmission of toxic or harmful cargoes.

Donald Trump might be harmful but the only toxic thing on board Air Force One will be whatever it is he uses to keep his hair in place.

In Israel, the Trump circus will swerve the Masada mountain fortress, a Unesco World Heritage site that is of profound importance to the Israelis. It was the place where Jewish rebels killed themselves rather than be captured by the Romans in 73AD.

Trump was due to make a speech there but cancelled because they wouldn't let him land his helicopter on it.

From there, it is straight to the Vatican. When on the campaign, Trump talked of building his wall, the Pope suggested that people should be building bridges, not walls, which made Trump angry.

He shot back: "If and when the Vatican is attacked by Isis...I can promise you that the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been President because this would not have happened."

Speaking of himself in the third person and warning the Pope what to pray for. Classy.

Trump is also visiting Belgium for a NATO summit. He described that country as a "hell hole" and a "mess".

Finally, he will roll through Italy, a country he told all Americans to boycott in 2011, unless they released Amanda Knox because he said she was innocent. This conclusion presumably based on how hot he thought she looked.

It is a big trip for Donny and will be the first time since becoming President that he has slept in a building outside the Whitehouse that doesn't have his name on it.

He is going to places that are among the most treacherous spots for a diplomatic catastrophe on earth.

Can you imagine what the Whitehouse staff, who are having to trail after him, are doing at the very thought of it all, apart from pulling what's left of their hair out?

He tends to say whatever he thinks will make him look good at any given moment, which is the exact opposite of what diplomacy is.

Diplomacy is making the other side feel good about themselves, not boasting about the crowd size at his inauguration and how his restaurants have the best chocolate cake you have ever seen and whining about how unfair everyone is being to him and how he can't just do what he wants.

He's like a big orange baby - his staff are going to have to schedule regular feeding and nap times or Donny will get grumpy and have a tantrum.

State visits are usually prepared down to their last detail. Everyone knows who they are going to be talking with and what they are going to be saying, but Donald Trump doesn't do scripts, he's just a random, bleating, boast generator.

Stephen J. Hadley, was former President George W. Bush’s National Security Adviser.

He travelled the world with him, and he said “You really hope that he sticks to the script, executes the trip as planned and avoids distractions, because the whole world is watching,”

It's exciting isn't it? It is like a soap opera...tune in next time for more jaw dropping cliff hangers.

If only the future of the world wasn't at stake.