I'm Dreaming Of A White Power Christmas
28 November 2016, 14:20 | Updated: 28 November 2016, 14:21
Would you like a white Christmas? Of course you would, but it may not be available because of climate change, which as any Trump follower will tell you, is a conspiracy perpetrated by the Chinese to make Donald Trump use less hairspray.
If a white Christmas is not available, how about a White Power Christmas? Well, my jack-booted friend, your wish can come true because the Donald Trump money raising, souvenir website is advertising Donald's Christmas baubles.
You might think that even Melania does not want to see Donald's baubles but I am talking about tree ornaments.
These exclusive, festive decorations are priced for the common man... as long as the common man doesn't mind spending A LOT of money.
As befits a man who travels in a gold lift to his gold lined apartment to sit on a gold throne, Trump's Christmas tree bauble comes to you at only $149 each, postage and packing not included.
That is about what an average member of his hollering supporters will earn in two whole days of work.
The decoration is a miniature bright red baseball hat with the legend "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN", picked out in gold capital letters as though it is shouting at you.
It will be the loudest thing on your tree. It is what Jesus would have wanted on his tree, if he had been a card carrying citizen of the USA.
Interestingly, much of the money raised still seems to be going to Donald Trump's election campaign, despite the fact that, recounts notwithstanding, the results are already in.
Perhaps he could put the money towards the education fund for his smallest son. The cost of going to the prestigious and completely not fraudulent Trump University runs to about $35,000, so every little helps.
Should you be gripped with the desire to put the NO in your Noel, buyers should exercise caution, as each purchase is final and no returns are allowed.
This also applies to votes in the US election. If you change your mind and find the winning candidate does not suit you, you have to wait four years before you can exchange him for someone else.
As you can imagine, for a man whose interest in the world starts and ends with himself, there are many other items of merchandise featuring his name that are available on the Donald Trump website, including water bottles, badges, cheerleader pompoms and red foam Donald Trump hands demonstrating a thumbs-up gesture with fingers that are just as unusually small and podgy as the real things.
Honestly, it looks like they were modelled on the President-elect's actual digits. The fingers are so tightly clenched, they look like they are grasping some loose change taken from a homeless person's begging bowl.
There are also numerous ways in which to demonstrate your support of the Donald by wearing items of clothing.
There is a vest, or as it known colloquially, a "wife beater", which is modelled on the website by a scary man with tattoos and a pony tail.
And there are t-shirts. Lots of them. There are t-shirts for every type of supporter, which are best worn inside a Trump facility or resort but definitely not near the coasts.
If you are quick, there is one item with the slogan "LGBTQ for TRUMP" written on a rainbow.
That one is still available in all sizes. Hurry while stocks last.