Sound-ish of mind and body

21 January 2018, 01:10 | Updated: 21 January 2018, 01:15


It is one year since Donald Trump spoke to the few thousand people (“millions and millions of people”) assembled in Washington to see him inaugurated as The Worst President Ever (“The Best President Ever, no-one could be more presidential, believe me”).

In the intervening time, he has achieved so much.

He has managed to pick fights with Australia, China, Russia, Iran, Syria, Yemen, Afghanistan, Mexico, Canada, North Korea, Sweden, Europe in general, Germany in particular, the Republican Party and the Democratic Party, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, most of his staff, the National Basketball Association, the National Football Association and various Miss Worlds, celebrities, actors, athletes, politicians, comedians, TV stations, all past Presidents except “the great Abe Lincoln” and all news media except Fox News.

All that and he has still managed to fit in golfing every other day.

It must be that whirlwind of activity that has kept him so trim, statistically speaking.

The Whitehouse doctor gave President Trump his routine physical and declared that he was in great shape for someone who eats burgers in bed and takes a golf cart to travel down the hall to the loo.

I made that up. He actually said that the President is in excellent health and, despite what your eyes may tell you, he is not obese.

The stats say that a man of 6'3”, weighing 239 pounds achieves a 29.9 score on the Body Mass Index, which is classed as simply overweight.

A score of 30 BMI would mean that Ancient Orange would be classed as obese.

It is the only thing related to large size that Donny does not want appended to his name.

The problem is that, while statistics don't lie, the information that goes into the making of them can.

The internet is full of helpful examples posted by concerned citizens of men who are six feet three inches and weigh 239lbs who do not resemble the walking dough ball that is the leader of the free world.

Trump would have to have hollow legs if he were to get away with claiming he tips the scales at that score.

Old joke alert: Speak-Your-Weight machines would say “one at a time” if he were to mount one.

Of course, if Trump was just an inch shorter than advertised, he would fail the obesity test too. Unfortunately, his New York drivers licence states that he is only 6'2”.

Pictures of him standing next to Barack Obama, who really is 6'2” show them to be the same height.

So, it is possible that Trump and his physician are being economical with at least one of his measurements.

The doctor also announced, completely unbidden, that Trump is free of “cognitive issues”.

This also seems unlikely, as the list of his furious assaults above would attest.

Apparently, he scored the maximum 30 out of 30 on the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test.

This a test that you are supposed to pass with flying colours, consisting as it does on identifying pictures of lions and being able to draw a clock face.

As though to reinforce the message, the Whitehouse doctor said, “He is very sharp. He's very articulate when he speaks to me”.

Really? Now we are straying into the realms of the ridiculous.

If so, it is certainly a side to Trump that the rest of the world is yet to see.

Why would he keep all that sharpness and articulacy to himself?