The Russians are coming!
28 January 2018, 01:23 | Updated: 28 January 2018, 01:27
Her Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for Defence, Gavin Williamson, has warned that a Russian cyber-attack on Britain's electricity supply could cause 'thousands and thousands' of deaths.
The Defence Secretary brought his considerable military experience, forged from his exemplary career in the armed forces to come to that conclusion.
Just kidding, he just made it up and blurted it out.
As far as I can tell, from conducting extensive research over the course of at least five minutes, Gavin Williamson has no military background of any kind whatsoever.
He used to work in a pottery firm that made plates and he keeps a tarantula in his office, so he was the obvious choice to be selected head of the Ministry of Defence.
If the enemy were to come after us with a ceramic dinner service, he'd be our man.
The Defence Secretary alerted us that Moscow has been photographing power stations and may be planning to damage the British economy and infrastructure.
This hot news must have come from a briefing note that had been sent in 1947. He's only just received it.
He said that Russian President, Vlad the Insaner, could target interconnectors, which link power between countries, potentially leaving millions of homes without electricity.
He could have said that the Russians might also target our train lines, leaving countless commuters stranded at home but Southern Rail already has that covered.
Or he could have alerted us to a Russian plan to blow up the Moon or send a woman with daggers in her shoes to kick James Bond to death.
Literally anything could happen and he wants to make sure we know that.
Mr Williamson said: 'The plan for the Russians won't be for landing craft to appear in the South Bay in Scarborough and on Brighton Beach… they are going to be thinking, 'How can we just cause so much pain to Britain?'
'Damage its economy, rip its infrastructure apart, actually cause thousands and thousands and thousands of deaths, but actually have an element of creating total chaos within the country.'
I would say that it is job done on that score.
Fomenting chaos is why they co-opted a bunch of oily charlatans and plied them with dodgy Russian money and used armies of internet trolls to seed discord with Brexit.
The pound tanked, we're all fighting with each other and our leaders are desperate to make trade deals with anyone that will sign one – and as you know, all the best deals are made from a position of weakness.
If that was the Russian's plan, it was executed with German efficiency.
As though it was a coordinated attack by the British establishment on the British public, on Monday the head of the Army said Britain needed to 'keep up' with Putin's growing military strength or see our ability to take action 'massively constrained'.
So, at a time when the council is turning off the street lights and letting the roads go to pot and the NHS is refusing anyone that's not an emergency and the police won't come to your house for a burglary and has given up on shoplifters, all for a lack of cash, the thing on which we need to be spending more of the money we don't have is ever more exciting ways to kill people?
It couldn't possibly be that the military budget review is being written and everyone concerned is trying to ensure that no one gets a slice of their pie?
If the military’s income is cut, and the Russians do invade, maybe Gavin could sick his spider on them.