Biff Goes To Washington

11 November 2016, 18:56 | Updated: 11 November 2016, 19:03

Donald Trump Oval Office

Well, that didn't take long. The Republicans who had fought against Donald Trump as being a candidate too far, a loose cannon, a small handed vulgarian, irreligious, morally bankrupt and not a real Republican, have rallied to the cause, shaken his hand, promised their support and asked for a job

He won't need their help in disappointing the people that voted for him, he's started that already by deleting from his website all the "keep the Muslims out" rhetoric that got him elected.

He has, however, kept up his attacks on the free press by blaming them for the "riots" in Portland. At least he is consistent on his hatred of the media, and now he is in a position to do something about it.

In the first few days as President-elect, was his mind on making America great again, or, after the shock had worn off, was his first thought about how much he can increase the room rates at the Trump Hotels?

If we know anything of him, it would be entirely to type if he spent every minute of his time in office dreaming up revenge plots on those who have criticised or crossed or stymied him. He has had a very public life and we know a lot about him. We know he is a small minded, petty, vindictive, self-centred, infantile, pouty, petulant little man with a chip on his shoulder.

It is like America just voted in Biff Tannen, the evil bully from Back to the Future. The baddie just won - that's not how Americans traditionally like their stories to end.

Of course, Hillary actually won - she got more votes than he did but the establishment that wrote the Constitution did not trust the people to elect the President, so they had the people elect members of the elite who would elect the President, and that's how the Democrats won the most votes in 2000 and 2016 but lost both elections.

Trump met the current President for a photo call. The two men could not have looked less alike.

Obama was genial, relaxed and occupied the seat he was sitting in and commanded the room. Trump resembled a child in a high-chair, his feet were touching the floor but still looked like they were swinging. The two chairs were exactly he same, Trump looked lost in his.

Maybe the reality of his position is starting to set in. He is going to have to stop saying the first thing that comes into his head to please an uneducated rabble in front of him and will have to start doing a massive amount of homework, because as President, he will have to start acting like a grown-up.

The Republican machine will know that with a complete newbie in the White House, they will pretty much be able to do what they want.

What Trump doesn't know can be used to play him like a marionette. The people who decide what to tell him and what to keep from him will be the ones that will really be running America.

Among them will be the right-wing religious types, who will have free reign to concentrate their minds on the genitals of America.

Expect gung-ho attacks on abortion, gays, prostitution - all that above the knee, below the waist stuff that the right is obsessed about.

Meanwhile, their President will be using the power of his office to treat any hot babes around him with the gentlemanly respect for which he is famous.

How did he do it? How did a man become President whose every personality characteristic should have eliminated him from the race?

If he had a proper job, pretty much everything he said in those pantomime call-and-answer rallies would have got him fired.

How could a person who would have been let go as a delivery man get hired to run the richest country on earth?

He tapped into a frustration that "ordinary hard-working people" (Copyright D. Cameron) have about how their lives turned out.

That's why his supporters were mostly old - the young haven't had time to get disappointed yet.

People voted for Trump because their wages had stagnated while their bosses rewarded themselves with all the money that the workers' efforts had created.

They voted for him because for the first time in history their children will be worse off then they are, opportunities are shrinking, jobs are going, the dream has gone.

Two things on that: first, the clue is in the name, it is the American Dream - something to hope for, it is not a right, and second, how can anyone really think that a selfish, abusive, fraudulent, cheating, spoiled child of a slum landlord is going to make the lives of the poor better?

Trump is everything that the protest voters were protesting about.

He doesn't pay his taxes, he repeatedly stiffs the people that work for him by refusing to pay them, he uses his wealth to shut down criticism and attack the media through the courts, he is a cheapskate profiteer that sends jobs abroad, shuns American workers and factories and takes public donations intended for charity and buys paintings of himself with them.

When did a man who epitomises the problems in the world become the solution to those problems?

He is not even a very good businessman. He did well with leasing his name on products (made abroad with cheap labour) and self promotion, but is a serial failure at actually running companies, unless you count declaring bankruptcy a success.

His casinos made four trips to the bankruptcy court, because to build them, he borrowed money at such a high interest rate that they were almost bound to fail.

People who owned stock and held bonds in the casinos lost $1.5bn. Trump brags to this day that he personally made a lot of money on them, while putting local contractors and suppliers out of business.

If that sounds like a man who is for the little people, then I am a made in China commemorative Donald Trump bathrobe.

Vladimir Putin and ISIS hailed Trump's victory.

The rest of world is stuck with him and we look forward to his time in office with a certain buttock-clenching alarm.

What will be his top priorities for the first 100 days in office?

First, no-one can wear a tie redder than The Donald's.

Second, blame the media and the Democrats for not going through with all of those things he made up to get votes.

Third, replace the desk in Oval Office with a stripper pole.

All hail the P**** Grabber-In-Chief.