Donald Trump Has Saggy Dumplings
Donald Trump put aside his very important business of picking Twitter fights with celebrities so that he could concentrate on picking Twitter spats with magazines
This time it was Vanity Fair which had him flipping his wig about a restaurant review of the Trump Grill, which is in that explosion of bad taste that is the Trump Tower in New York.
The writer Tina Nguyen did not like the food, the drinks were awful, the decor was comically bad and the menu was littered with grammatical mistakes.
Much of what it advertised was unavailable and what they did have was inedible. The reviewer particularly disliked Donald's flaccid grey dumplings, which might be what Melania talks to her therapist about.
The next President of the United States of America took the review in the customary way that he takes anything that is not a compliment, wrapped round an encomium, topped with an accolade, served on a eulogy - he went berserk.
He lunged for his phone and screamed the place down, like a baby who dropped its rattle.
"Has anyone looked at the really poor numbers of @VanityFair Magazine. Way down, big trouble, dead! Graydon Carter, no talent, will be out!", he tweeted.
Graydon Carter is the grand editor of the upscale Vanity Fair magazine, where he has been holding court since 1992, which in publishing years is an epoch.
He was one of the first people to mention in print that Donald Trump has small hands, calling him a 'short-fingered vulgarian', which Donald Trump took very well and with great maturity.
The review of the Trump Grill states that the restaurant may be the worst in America, which suggests that either the reviewer does not eat out in America much or that she really wanted to hate it.
I could point her in the direction of the Red Neck Cafe in Wyoming, where I spent four hours late one night in 1982 while searching for a ride to California, but I doubt it is still there, or that a sophisticated New York restaurant reviewer would stray that far for a meal.
The Grill's position in the lobby of the Tower gave her the opportunity to see the parade of contestants for the cabinet positions of the forthcoming Trump presidency traipse through on their way to the eye-shrivelling golden lift that would take them to the orange nightmare.
The ritual humiliation involved seemed to have curdled the reviewer's salad dressing.
The awfulness of everything she saw, heard, ate and drank is an indication of Trump being in over his head, she said. If that were true only in the field of catering it would not be so bad for the rest of us - avoiding eating in the Trump Grill is easy. Avoiding dyspepsia with him as President, less so.
It is not the first time that Vanity Fair has gone after Trump, who has always been keen to appear in its pages and go to its parties.
Graydon Carter once detailed the night he took Donald as his guest to the 1993 White House Correspondents' Association dinner.
Halfway through the event the guest next to Trump, the model Vendela Kirsebom, was in tears.
She said that the entire evening was spent listening to him compare and contrast the breasts and legs of every woman there and asking her how they compared to his wife of the time.
She said he was "the most vulgar man I have ever met.'' She could not stand it any longer and asked to be moved.
He has not even taken office yet and half the human race is asking to be moved too.
I have heard Mars is quite nice at this time of year.