Hell is other people on holiday
2 June 2018, 20:33 | Updated: 2 June 2018, 20:40
Shane Richie has experienced his worst nightmare. In case you don't have a television, or you have an aversion to ugly people shouting at each other in your living room, I should explain that Shane Richie is one of the stars of the long running misery-fest that is East Enders.
His worst nightmare come true was a “holiday from hell” that he paid good money for in a place called the Moon Palace Resort in the tourist hotspot of Mexico's sunny Cancun.
The holiday was so bad that Mr Richie is reportedly suing the travel firm that was so lax as to send him there.
He explained to the press that he decided to take his in-laws on a 17 day break, and I know what you are thinking – taking the in-laws on a 17 day holiday to anywhere sounds like the holiday from hell, what did he expect?
Well, the in-laws were not the problem, they were fine, the problem was everything else.
In the interests of research and journalistic integrity, I looked up Mexico's five star Moon Palace Resort to see what his hell-hole looks like.
It says right there on the front page of its website that it is an all-inclusive resort which they say means “kick back and relax, the check is covered.”
“With the Palace all-inclusive experience,” it says, “your only responsibility is to sue us afterwards”.
I made that up, it did not say that. It actually says “your only responsibility is to enjoy unparalleled service, signature amenities and luxurious accommodations, 24 hours room service, and world class dining.”
You can see from the pictures on its own website that it looks absolutely terrible, if your idea of terrible is an almost completely empty, spotlessly clean, fabulous sun trap which appears to have only a few gorgeous models as guests.
Maybe that was Shane Richie's problem - in that beautiful company he stuck out like a sore thumb.
No, that wasn't it either.
Mr Richie claimed, and this is a direct quote: 'loads of things happened'.
If those loads of things that happened were confined to a quiz night and a mariachi band in the bar, it might be OK but apparently those loads of things included, but were not limited to, loud drum and bass music blaring out around the pool at 10.30am.
I'm with Shane Richie.
No one should have to put up with that.
And by “that”, I mean you shouldn't have to listen to any music that is made after you turn 30.
Young people have always seemed determined to listen to music their parents can't stand.
My generation offended the ears of grown-ups with punk rock. The teenagers of today listen to a racket called drum and bass, which is OK if they are doing so in a sound-proof room, in the basement of an abandoned building on a deserted island.
It is not OK if they are playing it by the pool of a five-star luxury resort at 10.30 in the morning, in the presence of a television personality.
He said, “It was my worst nightmare. It was 'f*****g horrendous. I got spanked by them.”
That word “spanked” must be East-ender slang denoting disappointment, and not some sort of service he bought on the spa menu.
The travel agents who are the subject of potential litigation are also disappointed.
A spokesperson said, “We are disappointed”
They said, “We did everything we could to help in resort, including complimentary upgrades and an offer to move to the premium hotel next door.”
I have been disappointed by a hotel experience and yet I have never been offered a complimentary upgrade or an offer of a better hotel next door.
In fact, the most I was offered was the opportunity to get lost, but that might be because I had not taken the precaution of becoming a TV star.
The Mail reports that a source close to the travel agency said: “Shane complained about holidaymakers taking pictures of him, having to get up at 5.30am to put towels on sunbeds, loud music by the pool and queuing to get eggs in the morning.”
I have a solution to those problems:
a) don't take holidays among the general public if you are famous and like your privacy,
b) don't bother putting your towel on a sun lounger at 5.30 in the morning – you're on holiday for Pete's sake, lie in, relax, you deserve it,
c) if you follow solution b, you won't have a lounger, so you won't be by the pool and you won't hear that music.
Unfortunately I have no solution to the last problem.
Those pesky eggs won't queue for themselves you know, even in a five star, luxury, all-inclusive, unparalleled, world class resort.