Nick Abbot 10pm - 1am
Who do you think you are kidding Mr Putin?
25 August 2018, 20:57 | Updated: 25 August 2018, 21:07
Russia has lost a nuclear missile. On hearing that, Harrison Ford usually enters screen left and saves the day in two hours of nail-biting tension and stunts performed in a surprisingly agile way for a man of his age.
This is not the films though, this is real life.
Vlad has been putting it about that, even though the world is gripped by the unravelling of the US President and whatever Brexit has become, he's still there, still bent on world domination.
Back in March, Rootin' Tootin' Pootin boasted about the size of his new missiles and how advanced and super-dooper they were. He said they could hit any time, any place, anywhere, like a Martini.
To be fair, he did not say it could hit anywhere specific, just that they could hit anywhere.
And that is exactly what happened when the tested them four times – they went anywhere. They were so unpredictable that they have now actually lost one.
Scientists are concerned that the nuclear material on-board could actually start harming the ocean. You know it has to be serious when a whole ocean in is danger.
Fortunately, we have Gavin Williamson to protect us. He is our Defence Secretary.
He is reported to be out of his mind - not with worry - people are saying that he is actually out of his mind.
It is not because he famously keeps a tarantula spider in his office, about 30 years after most small boys would have given theirs up.
The reason that sources within the Ministry of Defence have called into question his mental stability is that he keeps coming out with daft ideas to protect the nation.
In a school class, the notion that there are no stupid questions is used to encourage learning.
When the 42 year-old Secretary of State for Defence asks if we can make up the shortfall in the defence budget by fitting “really expensive guns” to tractors, then perhaps there ARE stupid questions after all.
He also asked MOD officials if they could disguise missile defence systems in Coca-Cola lorries.
I'll go one better – we could get Jones the butcher to cut some holes for rifles in the roof of his delivery van, so the stout menfolk of Walmington-on-Sea could have at the Luftwaffe as they pass overhead.
They don't like it up 'em, you know.
Her Majesty's Defence Chief also suggested turning old ferries into beach assault craft, which could morph into mega robots with lasers in their eyes that could fly and become invisible.
I made some of that up – not the ferry part.
He was coming out with all this desperate Dad's Army stuff because his budget has been slashed by £20bn, so all the shiny new kit he had his eye on is now not in our price range.
Instead, we're going to have to weaponise Lilos and trampolines.
We could mount rockets on the backs of cows. How about exploding cupcakes?
You are probably keen to know just what kind of experience of military matters would lead a man to suggest such things.
According to the internet, he once worked in a pottery firm and is a patron of the World Owl Trust.
We're in good hands.
Let's hope Putin doesn't get his rocket back.